oo, excitement! She's posted! Well, not really.

I had my haircut at the weekend. I now look like Gwen from Torchwood but without the gap in my front teeth. And obviously, I'm not in a sub-standard fanfic style sci-fi programme, either. But aside from that, it's very Gwen.

It's amazing how something so inconsequential can improve your mood, but it has done, a little. I'm a rather unpleasant place of being utterly unable to pin-point why I'm feeling quite so down. If I knew, I could change/do/redecorate and feel better. As it is, I'm managing to muddle through while completely numb inside.

I have a tendency to avoid the hard stuff when I'm like this, which is one of the reasons the blog has been so dead of late. I very nearly responded to the question 'What is your spiritual gift?' with 'Cynicism' earlier today, so you can tell I've not really got anything terribly deep to share with you.

But, someone once said, if you want to write, write, so I thought I'd bash something out in the hopes that something useful might follow hard on it's heels. Very TIWIARN, and probably fruitless, but there you go.

Doctor Who series 4 starts on Saturday, which should be fun. Ashes to Ashes has just finished, and I thought it was very good. Ant and I have been pondering which blogger could be the Christian version of Gene Hunt, which has had me giggling inanely for a few days now. If you need that explaining, you should probably google.

So yeah, it's not so good right now.

Changing the furniture...

So, you might have noticed the new look *twirls*. All credit, and enormous thanks go to the marvellous and talented Jules at Everyday Mommy.

I am a particular fan of the TARDIS teabag, which should come as no surprise! It's just a shame I'm a little bit subdued lately. I'm sure I'll get back in the swing of it soon, I'm just playing fetch with Churchill's black dog at the moment.

on the bottom line.

Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD, and against thee; pray unto the LORD, that he take away the serpents from us.
And Moses prayed for the people.
And the LORD said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live. Numbers 21:7-8

And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of man be lifted up: That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:14-15

You must look to the snake - you must know first that the snake bit you. You can't pretend it was a thistle or a gnat, or a pinch from another person. It was a snake; deadly poison courses through your veins and will have you a stiff corpse before too long.

No antidote can be taken to combat it, not even a salve which may soothe the bite itself. Nothing will stop the venom working to your heart to kill you forever. And yet.

Here, here is this one way. This mad, incomprehensibly foolish way - look at the image of that which caused your sure death. Look at The Man on the tree, become your curse.

Just look at the righteous one who did no wrong, taking the form of all that will see you damned, drinking down every last drop of poison from that sin-cup. Draining it to the dregs freely, willingly, so that you may not.

And what is asked of you? Look at Him! Know that you are deadly bit and without a hope in this world and look as He takes it all from you. You do not earn it, you do not receive it in instalments, you do not even reach out your withering flesh for it.

You look at Him lifted up and you trust that He has taken the bite of the snake for you. You might still feel the sting where the snake bit you, and you may still see that snake biting others - but tell them to look for no other doctor, no other cure than the One held up on a pole, the One become a curse for the blessing of many.

H/T: Dave Fielding

on the Lord being eager for our sanctification.

So, last night, I was reading Idols of the Heart, by Elyse Fitzpatrick (whom I keep mixing up with Elyse Masterson, which is frustrating when I'm recommending non-existent books written by a celtic-influenced songstress, but I digress).

It's been an enormous challenge and blessing, as have most of the things I've read by her, and last night was no exception. Isn't it a topsy-turvy thing that when we deal with the hard things, we feel better for it? The world would tell you that when you are discouraged, you need to work on your self-esteem, not dig down and uproot all your idols.

Anyway, a number of things stood out to me, and one in particular. Personally speaking, I am not naturally comfortable with the idea of an immanent, attention-giving God. I would, undoubtedly have been Martha, hustling about, wanting to be noticed and approved of, but not really thinking it right to just sit at His feet and listen (or be heard). Maybe that's something to do with having an absent father, I don't know.

I do know that I understand rules, and requirements. That God should hold me to a standard, I comprehend fully. That He has every right to punish me for not reaching that standard, I fully agree with. My need of a saviour is crystal clear to me.

What I understand less, and what I need to be constantly reminded of, is that He wants me to reach His standards. He doesn't just require me to be holy, He desires it for me, He personally provides everything necessary for me, and He gives His almighty guarantee that in the fullness of time, I will be holy.

That's quite an astonishing thought, isn't it? That the Lord of all is for me, not in the sense of sitting in the stands and cheering me on, but in the sense of running next to me on the battlefield, blocking the worst assaults against me and picking me up bodily when I fall.

I don't know about you, but that encourages and emboldens me like nothing else could.

Oh, hello, still reading?

I've not stopped blogging, in case you're wondering. I've just lost a little confidence and am having trouble finding my voice. It's not that I don't have things to say, it's more that I suddenly feel inadequate to say them.

Lots of things have come on my radar in the past few months and weeks. Biblical authority is something that underpins much of it. Talking to atheists about basing my faith on something trustworthy, like scripture, and having it undermined by evanjellybeans telling stories about when they had a warm sensation in their arms.

Wondering what on earth the fifth Marian Dogma is all about, and why anyone would think it was necessary for a Christian to believe it. Trying to discuss the idea of 'manifestations' of the Spirit when it is quite clear that experience trumps any real attempt at scriptural teaching. I was musing on the notion of 'training prophets', as I know a few people who claim to be receiving prophetic training, and it's all very ephemeral indeed.

Then there's facebook, which takes forever to load, pesters me with automated e-mails and odd chain postings, but at least doesn't have, as a basic fault, a wrong view of scripture.

So, still here, just sort of working up to it, and going mildly bonkers in the meantime. As you were.