Gone missing

I sometimes wonder about my maternal instinct. Yesterday my middle daughter, Connie, lost her blankie. She's a bit old for blankie now, especially out and about, and while I prayed that the rescue mission would be successful, I wasn't especially exercised by the loss. I felt bad about that - blankie is, after all, a very well loved saggy old mini duvet.

He's gone missing before - left up a hill, left in the supermarket, you name it. Blankie is a wandering spirit!

Then this morning we went shopping, without blankie, who has been grounded after causing so much trouble. Aside from a demanding Reuben, it was a successful trip and we wheeled the trolley out to the car with some sense of accomplishment.

And then we noticed that Aurelia wasn't with us. My heart leaped into my mouth as I tore back in the shop to look for her. She was nowhere to be seen. I went to customer services almost in a blind panic. Just as I was giving a description of her, she appeared by my side, and appeared to have been totally unperturbed by her adventure.

As we walked out of the supermarket doors, I was relieved to find I did have a maternal instinct after all.

Daily educational joys

One of the privileges of home education is teaching your children to read. I can't quite put into words how it feels to go through a phonics programme with your child and see their confidence grow as they begin to puzzle the sounds out and make sentences out of previous gobbledygook.

Eden has been a reader for some time now, and is also an eager letter writer. Connie is just beginning her reading adventure, as we're halfway through the basic programme. She is now beginning to write me notes that I can phonically sound out, which is such fun.

I also enjoy the coattails aspect of HE - the younger ones following on from the progress made by older siblings. I'm seeing it in Aurelia now as she sees her bigger sisters being able to make sense of the random letters on a television screen or on a road sign.

The biggest trial for me at the moment is trying to deal with a little boy who has lots and lots of energy and a short attention span. I'm probably using the television more than I'm happy with, but sometimes I just need to give both Connie and Eden some focused attention and telly is a useful help. It's only Cbeebies, which has a good ratio of educational content at least. Needs must.

Not too busy

It's Girl's Brigade night tonight, and our eldest two are getting ready as I type. They do so enjoy getting all smart in their uniform. It's lovely seeing them so eager and enthusiastic. The nice thing is they get just as excited getting ready for church, minus the smart uniforms, naturally.

What with swimming on Friday evenings too, I think they have just enough of a social life to keep them busy - I know we couldn't cope with a different activity each evening, and I'm quite sure they couldn't either. So Girl's Brigade, swimming and Sunday School is the schedule for now, and I'm quite happy with that. Not too busy.

Must dash, fishfingers and chips for a nice quick tea, and I don't want to make them too crispy.

And she's back

Church didn't happen today, and for once it wasn't due to my migraines or children being sick. Today it was the faithful chauffeur, my dear husband, who awoke running a temperature and spent the rest of the morning with the duvet over his head being tended to with lemsips and restorative cups of tea.

He's rarely ill and we were all disappointed today as we also missed church tea. He has had to get up this afternoon to go and get Eden from her weekend away, but is thankfully feeling a little better. I'm quite disappointed, as the week always goes better when started right, at church.

Eden is back with all limbs intact, and had a great time, as expected. She 'helped with the salad' and went on a short train journey as well as lots of walking. Hopefully she'll get to sleep as she had a late one for 'quiz night'. Constance is pleased to see her best buddy back, but enjoyed being 'big sister' while she was away.

Letting my baby go

She's only 8 and she's off on her own today, out into the world. The Girl's Brigade are having a weekend away, and my eight year old Eden is going away out of the family for the first time. There is a question mark about it due to the weather, but all being well, she's going to a forest centre to enjoy walking and activities.

I can't pretend to be easy about the whole thing, and my first instinct was to say no, but Ant had the casting vote and so she goes. She been carrying her kit list around with her for a couple of weeks, and reminding me everyday that we need to boil her an egg to take - the mind it doth boggle!

I'm sure it will all be fine and she will have a great time and be full of spirits about the whole thing. But I worry about it, because I'm a mum, and that's one of the things we do.

Sugar and baths

News of the day - fasting sugar is hard! I've had to give up not having it in coffee, which just tastes dreadul without it. Haven't had any chocolate, biscuits or cakes though, despite baking with the kids yesterday (and I actually remember doing it too). So coffee will be my concession, as I'm afraid I can't do without it.

It's snowing heavily outside, and I'm heartily sick of it now. I want some daffodils to start peeking through. I want to start doing some more walking with the children, but while it's still so cold I just don't feel confident enough. I'm naturally quite reclusive, and don't want to disadvantage them by not encouraging them to be active. My own fitness will help, and be helped by this, I'm sure.

Random fact - I love hot baths, and always take a book with me, but I never read the book. I always intend to, but I just get superheated far too quickly and need to get out again. Ant laughs about it every evening. I can't lower the temperature as I get out just as quickly because it's too cold. I always read when I get into bed though, even if it's just a few lines. I'm thoroughly enjoying my Peter Masters book, as I always do. He's a very engaging writer.

A mixed bag

Today has been a mixed bag. A few moments of memory loss, medication induced, so I can't tell you about them because I don't remember. It happened last week while I was making a banana loaf. I came down the following morning prepared to make it and found one already half eaten on the cutting board. Couldn't remember a single solitary thing about making it.

Oh these bright spots of excitment. We did baking again today, mostly with me taking a very hands off supervisor role while Eden rallies the troops, giving them all jobs to do. She's a wonderful eight year old, responsible, but fun with it too. She'll be a great mum.

Funnily enough, she's not automatically thinking of that thought. She knows it's an option for her, but she's also quite prepared that God might call her to be single. She has good single role models to aspire to. It's quite humbling, especially as one of her stated intentions is 'some sort of missionary work, like Amy Carmichel'.

Mood wise, I've coped with a full day, which is a big old acheivement tick on the wall for me. It's the beginning of lent, and though I don't follow the anglican church year, I have decided to fast from sugar as it rather goes with the challenge to turn from sin that my book is exhorting me too. A bit of self-denial never hurt anyone, and I hear tell it does some good. Can't hurt my waistline either. I did do a bit of running on the spot in my tracksuit yesterday, not sure it counts :-D

A snapshot

I'm aware that this blog has been much more personal of late. It's not deliberate, I'm just not quite as interested in politics and matters of great opinion. You may have noticed I'm no longer 'opinionated' on my profile.

The nature of the blog has changed, because it's that or stop blogging. It occurred to me that most blogs must go through this sort of change over varying periods of time. I'm reminded of DJP's blog when the American election was looming. Some people stop blogging, but I'm not inclined to do that because I appreciate having a place to write down my musings, even if no one reads them.

My readership has fallen off, but I never really blogged to be a big hit, it's just something I enjoy and proves useful to me. My mental health is at the current time, quite fragile, and I'd value your continued prayers about that. I think there is light at the end of this particular tunnel, and it's good to be able to say that.

So you're welcome to journey on with me, and see where we go from here.

Today has been quite a relaxed sort of day, with bean casserole bubbling on the stove and a new tracksuit for me. I'm trying to start exercising, as one of the side effects of my medication is weight gain, and I'm not at all used to being this size. I'm a UK14, though I don't know what that is over the pond, it's certainly bigger than I've ever been and nothing fits. Except the new tracksuit!

School is starting up again after our week long break, and I'm beginning to feel more confident. Our family is a little less supportive than they have been, and I'm feeling the pressure of disapproval, so it's good to have things under control.

Anyway, that's it for today, I may post more tomorrow, as it's helpful for me to chart how things are - I hope I don't bore you all to tears with daily dullness.

On not feeling

I'm a multi-book person. I very rarely have only one book on the go, and currently have about three which I'm working through. One is a revisit, called The Mutual Love of Christ and His People. It's a marvellously puritan title, though it's by one of my favourite modern preachers, Peter Masters.

As I read today, I was moved by something peculiar - I noticed that I wasn't moved. The delightful descriptions left me utterly cold, and this is to be remarked upon as I think I've felt this way for a long time, and only just properly noticed.

Then I read an extract from Spurgeon over at Dan's blog speaking, as Spurgeon does, so eloquently to the depths of depression, and I realized that I have been feeling terribly, terribly guilty about this.

Time was I had real passion for the gospel, and loved to devour all I could by way of a devoted heart. But I think right now the Lord has removed the usual consolations of religion, and I think He can only mean me to seek after Him all the harder.

I don't mean chasing feelings, naturally, but I do think there is something passionate hidden from me at the moment, and I would like it back again.

an update

At the moment I am starting a lot of posts in draft and not finishing them. It's like I get halfway through a post and think 'What's the point?' which is probably why the posts which have seen the light of day have been short and direct. No bad thing of course, some things can be said in few words.

I'd appreciate your prayers, it feels very much like I'm having a crisis of faith, unsure of how to proceed. I can't articulate it further than that, and I am slightly fearful that it's part of a relapse in my condition. Apologies to those who come here for more than I can give at the present time.