Musings of an English Muffin

Now blogging

2011-06-03T11:17:00.001Z

over here. Look forward to seeing you.

More fiction

2011-04-03T19:49:00.002Z

This is just a silly little piece I scribbled out a little while ago. I think it's quite fun, hope you enjoy it.

The character was a mouse, small wispy whiskers and a plump belly.

"I say, that's a bit rude," he said.

I started a little, not expecting the response.

"Sorry. But it is rather rotund," I explained.

"Yes, but you wrote me like that."

"True. But your love of cheese and chocolate digestives played a part."

The mouse looked downcast.

"So I shall only be svelte and lithe if I don't eat any cheese and chocolate digestives?" he asked.

"I'm afraid so," I nodded.

"I don't think it's worth it," he said, plopping down on his bottom and pulling a crumb of cheese from his knapsack.

I wondered what I could do with him.

"An adventure, of course," he said, although I had not spoken.

"What kind?" I enquired.

The mouse looked thoughtful, patting his belly slowly.

"I think I should like the beach very much," he decided.

"Is the beach really a place for adventures?" I asked

"Not especially, but I do like ice cream."

I paused.

"You're the one who suggested adventures, mouse," I said.

"Mmm. But food is a very important part of adventures you know."

waves

2011-03-11T12:07:00.003Z

Well hello there, nice of you to drop by. Things are pretty busy here right now, cutting my Internet time down dramatically. Where once I could grab an hour here and there, I'm blessed if I get 20 minutes in the morning before everyone else is up. Today I am typing while my four energy balls dance around in the front room.

We're studying ancient Egypt in school at the mo, and naturally mummification has caught their imaginations. Thankfully I've had no adventures with toilet paper and table salt. We're hopefully going to visit the Egyptology exhibit at a local museum on Saturday, which should be a lot of fun.

We're back to doing catechism in the evenings, before our time of family prayer. Each of the children has a certain style of prayer. Reuben thinks volume is the key, yelling his simple little prayer at the top of his lungs. Aurelia is our little intercessor, with about 30 people on her list. Connie is very serious - her list is shorter, but she likes to put a lot of detail in. Eden, well, for Eden it's all about Jesus - she rarely forgets to pray in thanks for His sacrifice.

So that's how things are with us right now. I do hope to return to regular blogging at some point - it's not like there's a shortage of material out there or here - but time constraints are the issue here. In the meantime I do plan to keep checking in here from time to time as I have the opportunity.

On Glory and time wasting

2011-01-13T17:07:00.004Z

Every where I look at the moment, people are talking about God's Glory and what it means to us personally. I'm reading Holiness by JC Ryle, I'm reading Pyro posts, I'm reading threads on forums about it. It's really challenged me out of a sort of faith malaise, wherein I was just treading water, spiritually speaking.

One thing in particular hit home, and that was the ease with which I can get excited about things other than Christ - I'm known as a big Doctor Who fan, and the relish with which I can embrace a spoiler or new plot point is bordering on the fanatical (the origin of the word fan, of course).

A couple of years ago, I discovered Being Human and loved it, but I deliberately didn't watch the second series because I was far too into it. There are times when standing back from something is a healthy thing to do.

What is different in this past week is that I have been convicted that it's not enough just to stop watching Doctor Who - unless I use that mental energy to be more focused on Christ. I'm not going to stop watching Doctor Who, but I am reining back on my obsession, and using that time and impulse to focus on bible reading and prayer. After all, time is far better spent on something eternal and truly glorious - truly worthy of my fanaticism.

Spoilerific review of Dawn Treader

2010-12-11T20:18:00.002Z

I totally spoil it in this review, so beware if you haven't seen it

Today I took all my girls to see The Voyage of the Dawn Treader in glorious 3D. We saw Toy Story 3 in 3D, and it really wasn't worth it, but it was definitely worth it for Dawn Treader. Eventually you kind of get used to things coming out of the screen at you, though.

As to the film, well, I was a teeny bit disappointed. There were plot elements introduced that I wasn't comfortable with, and it wasn't faithful to the book in that regard. In particular they gave Eustace lots of comedy moments which really made him quite likeable, which he really shouldn't be before he is turned into a dragon.

I didn't miss Eddie Izzard as Reepicheep as much as I thought I would, and Simon Pegg is one of my favourite actors, so it was all good on that score. But not enough was made of the song of the Dryad - it was only mentioned once so Reepicheep's fate didn't quite pack the emotional punch it could have done.

The creeping darkness and the swords at Aslan's table was the biggest plot addition, and they changed the order of the events to serve the purposes of the plot, whih irked me a little. The undragoning of Eustace was a little disappointing, but I was pleased they kept the most important parts of Aslan's speech at the edge of the world.

Finally, the closing credits were lovely for anyone who is a fan of the work of Pauline Baynes, so do stay for them. My girls loved it - Eden in particular cried at the ending, so it was a hit among the younger females of the family.

A very happy birthday to me

2010-11-11T18:55:00.002Z

Today is my 34th birthday and I have spent the whole day in my jimjams. We took a day off school and had hot dogs for tea. My son ran me ragged as he does every day, and I'm a little bleary from being awake in the night with a mysterious chest pain.

I was given an advent candle, and a DVD of the Victorian Farm, wherein historians go back in time (Not literally, that's the province of the Doctor alone) and relive life as it was over 100 years ago.

But by far the nicest gift I received was a handmade book lovingly crafted by my two eldest daughters, containing selected scriptures. Whatever else I've achieved in my 34 years, raising children who do that will remain right up there.

On facebook

2010-09-27T09:58:00.002Z

I'm not online very much these days - actively home educating three intelligent girls and keeping tabs on one boisterous son means I rarely have the time to sit and write. I visit a couple of forums, read a couple of blogs, and that's about it - as my post count shows on here, I don't have much time to compose blog posts.

I thought facebook would be a good substitute - it's quick, and to the point. But I'm finding out that I absolutely hate it. Some things are a real blessing, and I invariably enjoy the contributions of Stacy MacDonald, Kim Shay and a number of others.

But there are others, and I'm ashamed to say it's mostly my own blood relatives, who continually post blasphemy and crudeness. It's quite unpleasant, and makes me visit facebook much less. All of which is to say, don't expect too many status updates from me in the near future.

On seasons and hair

2010-09-14T15:09:00.003Z

It's raining stair-rods today, and it looks very much like Summer is behind us. Ant is somewhat subdued about that - I'm eagerly gearing up for what you Americans call 'the Holidays'. I rather like celebrating Thanksgiving, even though we're resolutely English - it's such a lovely idea.

I've been pondering my medication in the past week or so. I'm not happy with it - the side effects are unwelcome, and they've told me I'm looking at a longterm dosage. I'm not happy with that and need to speak to my psychiatrist about it - your prayers would be appreciated as I seacrh for wisdom on this matter.

What doesn't help my mood is my horrid haircut - I had it bobbed and it looks like someone made a bird's nest on my head. Ever since having Reuben, my hair has been extremely thick and wavy and it just doesn't work with a style that needs to be sleek and smooth.

Ah me, there are worse things to do than patiently wait for it to grow out. I think I need to re-read The Rare Jewel Of Christian Contentment again. Which will be the second time in as many months :-)

on pet spiders

2010-09-13T17:40:00.003Z

We have a pet spider. Now, I am emphatically not a spider person and usually call for my knight with shining cup and paper to deal with the arachnid-in-the-bath situation.

But just lately, outside our kitchen window, which looks out onto our tiny garden, a small fellow with eight stripey legs has set up home, and he doesn't bother me at all.

It's fascinating watching him spin and hunt and twist about in the wind. Just now, we opened the window to cool down after dinner, and to our consternation, he dropped off the centre of his painstakingly spun web.

Despite not being a spider person (I have no spidey sense) I had to go outside to see if he was ok. I would have been quite happy to scoop him up and replace him in pride of place on his web.

I needn't have worried - he was already making his way back up his silk safety rope and getting comfy in the centre of that beautiful web. Isn't creation amazing?

on a tenth anniversary

2010-09-02T10:19:00.003Z

Today I have been married for exactly 10 years. It's quite a milestone in this day and age, but it doesn't feel very long at all. Ant and I know each other very well now, and we're still good friends, which is how we started out. We've had lots of struggles and heartache to contend with along the way, but we've also experienced great blessings, not least our four lovely children and the home we all share.

Hopefully we'll be going out without children for a meal tonight, to mark the occasion - or we might just stay in and order pizza! Either way I'm very grateful to God for my diligent, brave husband who is the best father for my children that I could have imagined.

on holiday

2010-08-20T15:46:00.004Z

Today I'm consumed with last minute preparations for our holiday. We're going way with friends from church, to the peculiarly termed 'houseparty'. We're going to stay in a boarding school for a week, sharing time together and enjoying some good teaching.

I've baked one of the easiest cake recipes I've ever used, as we're supposed to take cakes along to share for packed lunches. I'm just beginning to look forward to it - I have found the pre-holiday packing to be quite stressful.

Naturally expect no blogging for the next week, but I'll let you know how it went on my return.

on atheism

2010-08-17T14:38:00.002Z

A proper, full-throatedly smug atheist graced Pyro with his 'wisdom' in the past couple of posts there. I will admit to being an atheist myself, in my uninformed youth. I wasn't the kind of breed of atheist that baits believers - I was simply a teenager who found it expedient to reject the existence of God so I could do what I wanted.

I was contented with this for a short while, but I soon became intrigued by the idea of a diety and quickly became a theist. That's not to say I was a Christian - I tried all flavours of belief - paganism, witchcraft, buddhism, Jehovah's Witnesses. Since becoming a Christian, those things have held very little attraction to me - but atheism, in dark moments when life seems very tough, has still a little pull on me.

But, as I said in the comment thread at Pyro, meeting a real life atheist cures me with remarkable speed. I haven't actually been struggling with atheism recently - but I reckon I've received a good dose of innoculation against it for some time to come.

on excuses

2010-08-03T15:10:00.002Z

So Anne Rice has made a public declaration that she's no longer part of organized Christianity. All the usual reasons given - primarily boiling down to the fact that she doesn't much like Christians. It's a moment of spectacular 'having one's cake and eating it too'. She wants to remain a Christ-follower, but doesn't want to be identified with all the other people who follow Him too.

It's not a real option, and it's simple pride to suggest that it's possible. Whatever our personal differences, truly accepting Christ means we have to accept His body as our brothers and sisters. Disowning one's family because you think you're better than they are is not an act of bravery.

on nurturing a wobbly faith

2010-08-01T21:13:00.002Z

One of the things I'm learning is that you have to snatch moments when you can. I'm overwhelmed with motherhood at the moment, and don't have space in the day for a deep quiet time. By the time I get to end of the day, I know I'm giving the last dregs of the day to God, which is somewhat guilt-inducing. Better than nothing I suppose.

One of the few moments I'm able to grab is the quiet hour when I have to sit in with Reuben to get him to sleep. He is a real challenge, and one of us has to sit on another bed while he soothes himself off to sleep - if we wait outside the room he is a real monkey and messes about. Once he knows eyes are watching him, he behaves. There's a spiritual lesson there somewhere.

So there I am, lying quietly beside him, with the potential for frustration on my part, and it occurs to me that this is a moment I can pray. So I lie there, silently praying, asking for patience, repenting for my lack of faith, asking for a blessing on my son as he drifts off to sleep. It's becoming an appointment that I look forward to, which is a step forward.

Toy Story 3

2010-07-31T19:03:00.003Z

Hi there. Thought I'd drop by with a post now I have a few spare minutes. The kids have just demolished two pizzas with coleslaw and are now practising handstands in the front room. This morning we got up early (on a Saturday - this a big a sacrfice for me!) to go and see Toy Story 3 in 3D. I took all the girls with me, and Ant took Reuben home, he being too young to sit through a cinema experience(Reuben, that is).

Aurelia loved the 3D - "It's like watching a big pop-up book" - and I heard plenty of laughter from the other two. I found it a little tired as a concept, and a lot of the themes had already been explored in Toy Story 2, and even though I am a total sap when it comes to crying at films, I didn't even get misty-eyed. Maybe I'm toughening up.

This afternoon has been a tidying up time, and now I'm snatching some time to browse online. I really have so much less time in the day now everyone is getting bigger, and that's why blogging is so sparse here. I'm sure it's just a season, no doubt eventually I'll find myself with something I just have to say and then watch out!

Today

2010-05-31T12:19:00.004Z

Sorry there's been very little activity at the pink blog - truth is, I'm in a quiet sort of place at the moment, and not nearly as opinionated as I have been in times past. All in all, it makes for a very dull blog. Thanks for all your kind comments about the fiction - I'm getting on with it slowly but surely.

My faith is at a low ebb right now too, which hasn't helped. It's like my heart isn't fully connected to my head, which makes everything a real slog. Nothing much to do about that, except to persevere.

The next excerpt

2010-04-19T12:42:00.007Z

Here's the next bit, still quite first draft, but it's got images an ideas I love in it. No need to be overly polite - if you don't like it for any reason, please feel free to say. Like I say a first draft is always in need of a touch up

He ran all the way home, turning over and over how anyone could have recognized him, and feeling sure that he would be for it. Sitting on his bed now, he jumped up at the sound of a knock. Dad stuck his head round the door and grinned.

“Alright?”

“Yeah. Just getting changed,” Craig told him, beginning to pull his tie off to prove it.

“I’m off out then. You’ll be in bed when I get back, yeah?”

Craig nodded, and listened for the click of the front door. He watched from his window as the tall man ambled down the road to the pub. Craig was like him, tall for his age and skinny. Apart from that, all they really shared was a need to be alone a lot. Well, it wasn’t so much a need as just the way it was since mum died.

Craig turned to look over the houses towards the church, which he could see still lit up. He breathed onto the glass and traced the outline, before resting his forehead against the coolness of the pane. Eventually he sighed and lay back on the bed. From his pillow, even though the street lamps were glowing orange, he could pick out a few stars in the clear night.

As he felt his eyes grown heavy, it seemed to him that the stars began to buzz and dance. First just a slight tremor, and then a graceful sway that had them swirling in spiral patterns downwards. They settled like a fine smattering of snow on the windowsill – some on the thinner top window that opened, more on the lower ledge a few centimetres above his pillow.

As first he didn’t dare move, in case he broke the spell, but the longer it went on, the bolder he felt. He slowly pushed himself up on his elbows and saw there was now a whole heap of snow, drifted up against the cold window. As he watched, the sparkling dust formed a definite shape, like something was both being made by the snow but also sitting in it. There were small paws, tiny tight curls, the suggestion of a fluffy tail and finally a little head; the facial expression somewhere between haughty and amused, like it was sharing a private joke. It was a lamb.

The stardust had slowed now; what had been a flurry became barely a twinkle, and the lamb sat quite still. Now he looked closely at it, Craig could see it was wooden, and a little worn and dirty with age. He wanted to pick it up, but was afraid it would crumble into shimmering dust if he tried. “You can hold me,” said the lamb in a chirruping mew, as thought it knew what Craig was thinking.

Craig’s eyes widened in shock, but he did reach out to pick up the wooden creature, taking it out of the snowdrift, some of the shimmery star-snow falling on his pillow. The lamb felt solid, but not like wood, more a tightly wound bobbin of yarn. He put it in his hand where he could feel it breathe, soft belly moving against soft palm.

“Sleep now, Craig,” it said, turning to him and blinking. “Busy times ahead.”

Despite everything, Craig found himself once again very tired and closed his eyes while the lamb curled a finely painted head back against its faded flank, and they both slept.

shoes

2010-04-19T10:14:00.003Z

Thanks for the positive response to my fiction - I chose something from the first draft, it reads a little different now. I didn't realize it was quite the cliffhanger you all appeared to think, but I guess that's because I know what happens next. Ah, the all powerful author, mowahahaha! I'll post some more at some point.

I'm off for a blood test this morning, looking forward to it as ever. In spite of that the day has started well, with everyone having a good attitude. They all have new shoes, as it was time to measure at the weekend. A good job too, they had all grown. So now we have shiny purple shoes adorning feet, and very pleased little girls.

Some of my fiction

2010-04-13T15:32:00.002Z

Instead of an actual post, I thought I'd share some of my fiction with you. This is the opening to my children's story, which I'm about half way through. I hope you enjoy it.

Craig sat on the curb, shuffling the loose gravel with his feet. He was trying to scuff out a stone that had lodged in one worn down heel, but he wasn’t trying very hard. It was quite dark already, nearly the end of term. There was sharpness in the cold air he breathed, and he could smell the tang of smoke from someone’s fireworks.

The stone, jammed securely in the treads of his sole, caught on a bigger stone in the road, and unexpectedly came free cleanly, like pulling a splinter. Craig was immediately satisfied and then sorry, partly because he had wanted to savour that sort of thing, and partly because his reason to dawdle out here any longer had gone.

He picked up his bag as he stood up, and grabbed the offending stone that had cut short his excuses. He’d been sitting in a cul-de-sac which ran behind a church, and as he looked up at it, someone turned a light on inside, dimly illuminating the stained glass window directly in front of him.

It was a picture of a man, dressed in a purple cloak, leaning on a staff that seemed to be bursting into flower at the top, like a tree. All around the edge were small circles with scenes that Craig couldn’t make out. The placid, grave expression on the man’s face seemed at that moment to be sneering at Craig, and he suddenly felt very angry. His fist tightened involuntarily, and the stone in it dug into the flesh of his palm.

Before he had really known he had done it, he was watching the stone fly through the air. The glass cracked and shattered, a hole now where the man’s hand had been grasping the staff.

Craig stood for one awful, silent moment, and then heard rising voices of alarm within the building. This was an excuse for being out late that he didn’t need, and he felt the adrenaline push into the balls of his feet as he started running. He had only got a few feet, past the end of the church building, when he had to dodge. An old tramp, coat held closed with string, and hair matted and straggled, turned out of an alley and into his path.

“Aye, you run,” said the old man, gesturing toward the church. “There’s none but wolves in there tonight, Craig”

He was already afraid, but the sound of his name in a stranger’s mouth sent a new shard of fear through him, and after a few seconds of the tramp staring at him intensely, he turned and ran with a new energy, as though he were being chased by a pack of hungry wild animals

And they're off...

2010-04-06T18:26:00.004Z

So finally, a general election looms. A month of hard campaigning awaits us, and I think I'm a bit sick of it already, what with the pre-campaign speculation. Now everything goes into hyper drive, and I'll be sound bitten to within an inch of my life.

I already know I'm not voting Labour, for a number of reasons, some policy led, some due to particular personalities. I live in a swing seat, which means there's a real possibility of unseating the sitting MP, which I would very much enjoy as I dislike her as a politician.

In smaller news, I got out for a longer walk with the children today, in lovely warm Spring sunshine. We walked past the duck pond and bought some cakes at the local shop to have for elevenses.

Doctor Who was wonderful fun, and I think my misgivings about the new Doctor can be tentatively set aside. Matt Smith was convincing as an impossibly old man in a young man's body, which is a jolly good starting point.

On the latest thing

2010-03-31T13:43:00.002Z

There's a campaign in the UK atm to get History Maker by Delirious? into the download charts for Easter Sunday, and I'm not really sure what I think about it. On the one had I'm interested to see what platform it will give the gospel, which is always useful at Easter time when Christians seem to be 'allowed' more airtime anyway.

On the other hand I'm a bit reserved about it because it's far too easy to get all giddy about something in the Christian subculture getting recognition as though that in itself is the same as sharing the gospel. Because it isn't the same thing, not really. I like History Maker as a song, and have it already on tape somewhere, but having it as number one won't preach the gospel. That job remains ours, and I hope everyone who has the opportunity do so, because of this campaign, does so without reservation.

Teething

2010-03-30T14:23:00.002Z

Not what you might expect - I'm the one with the new tooth coming through, and today we had a trip to the dentist to get it looked at. It's a wisdom tooth (Keep the tooth, I'll just have the wisdom, ta muchly) and thankfully it isn't impacted, but it sure is painful.

The children all had a clean bill of dental health, and that's us done for another six months. I have to go back for a scale and polish at some point in the next couple of weeks, which is the part of dental care I really dislike. All that scraping and the noise of it *shudder*

Sickness leaves and the Doctor returns

2010-03-25T21:26:00.003Z

It looks like sickness has passed through the exit door, which I am terribly pleased about as you may imagine. I am mostly spending my time being excited about the telly over the Easter weekend, which is very frivolous of me, but there we are. A little frivolity does little harm now and then.

In case you're wondering why - the Doctor is returning on Saturday week, and I am thrilled about it. I posted my reservations when Matt Smith was cast, but everything I have seen of him so far on screen bodes very well indeed. The actor seems to understand the role, and the snippets of script look compelling.

Friday week sees the return of Gene Hunt in the final series of Ashes to Ashes, and they are promising a finale that will tie up conundrums laid in Life on Mars. I'm typing this and realizing that much of my readership will be baffled by much of this post. :-D Ah well. One thing you need to know about me is that if I like something, I really Really like it, and Ashes to Ashes and Doctor Who are things I really like.

The palm-sized adventurer

2010-03-21T11:12:00.003Z

This morning we're home from church due to a sickness bug that the children have had. It's been most unpleasant with only one escaping being sick. I'm quite pragmatic in these situations - a bowl and some kitchen roll handy and a change of clothes when necessary. They are just about keeping things down this morning, so we might well be over the worst.

In other news, the hamster, Pickle, disappeared earlier in the week. Someone left the cage open and our intrepid furry friend took advantage. I was quite worried, and we spent one night straining to hear the sound of scritching and scratching, with no joy. Then Ant saw him scurrying into the fireplace.

Now, we don't have a proper fire - we have a fan heater with some fake coal above it. It's proper rubbish, but it's all we have for now. Behind the 'fire' is cavity wall, and our little adventurer was hiding in there. Ant stayed up to 2am tempting Pickle out with a bowl of goodies, and managed to catch him.

So there he is, back in the cage, happily munching on some carrot. It's more than the kids have been managing.

chocolate and church

2010-03-16T19:21:00.002Z

After the whirlwind (for me, anyway) week of activity last week, this week has been somewhat subdued. Hence light posts - there's not a lot to share! School and day to day house running is sometimes tedious to do, never mind inflicting on others through blogging.

Never the less, I thought I'd touch base with you all, as the weekend was eventful, being Mothering Sunday. I was gifted with chocolate and cards from my delightful brood, and we got to church, which is always worth a mention.

I love my church. We took a long time to find it, but it is absolutely our home. Christ is central to the work there, and all are welcomed and welcome. No one bats an eyelid if children are a little noisy in childish ways, and our girls have learned to sit and listen to a 40 minute sermon, which is tough enough for adults on occasion.

The journey there was eventful and made us really value finding a sound church when we did - sad to say, there's not a lot of them about.

Ladies meeting

2010-03-10T22:10:00.003Z

The nettle-grasping week continues, as I made it to the Ladies meeting tonight. Providentially, the topic was spiritual depression or desertion. Right on the money for me, and especially helpful. We sang this hymn;

Lord, we know that Thou art near us,
Though Thou seem'st to hide Thy face;
And are sure that Thou dost hear us,
Though no answer we embrace.

Not one promise shall miscarry;
Not one blessing come too late;
Though the vision long may tarry,
Give us patience, Lord, to wait!

While withholding, Thou art giving
In Thine own appointed way;
And while waiting we're receiving
Blessing suited to our day.

O the wondrous loving-kindness,
Planning, working out of sight!
Bearing with us in our blindness!
Out of darkness bringing light.

Weaving blessings out of trials;
Out of grief evolving bliss:
Answering prayer by wise denials
When Thy children ask amiss!

And when faith shall end in vision,
And when prayer is lost in praise;
Then shall love, in full fruition,
Justify Thy secret ways.

I also heard the sad news of the death of one of our oldest church members - a dear 90+ lady named Joyce, who my eldest considered a personal and dear friend. I shall have to tell her tomorrow, so please pray for us, as I think she will be quite upset.

more baby steps

2010-03-09T21:36:00.003Z

Progress is continuing steadily here - I managed to make two admin phonecalls today, which is something I normally avoid like the plague. I'm deaf in one ear so find phonecalls quite a challenge at the best of times, never mind when I have to deal with stern gatekeeper people on the other end of the line.

We're on our week off school. I do four weeks on, one week off, at the suggestion of a homeschool friend, and so far it's working nicely. Eden has suddenly learned to ride her bike without stabilizers which has been a real boost for her.

I noticed DJP has succumbed to Twitter, and I pondered it again. But I hardly use Facebook (read: I don't use Facebook at all) because of the limitations of my computer, and I can't quite navigate Twittering. I think it's something I might engage with when the technology in the house is up to it, because I think it might suit my shorter style of posting (another reason DJP raised my eyebrows, isn't there a strict limit on wordcount?)

For now I remain a blogging Luddite.

Out we go.

2010-03-08T17:10:00.004Z

Today was a bit of a watershed - I left the house with the children on my own. For months I've been too much of a scaredy cat to attempt a trip out without Ant, but today was the day.

As it turns out, it wasn't planned with military precision like I anticipated a trip out would be. Instead it was quite a spur of the moment decision - they were all dressed and full of energy, so I suddenly announced a walk.

It was only a small walk around the estate, and it was quite cold, but, by gum, I did it. Baby steps it may be, but these things soon build up into something bigger and better.

Sleep and energy.

2010-03-04T19:33:00.002Z

I've been having more bizarre episodes of memory loss. It's the most unnerving thing to realize that hours of time have disappeared. I've baked, cleaned and washed and have no recollection of it whatsoever. It's not even like a small thing will trigger the memories to return - there are just black holes in the day.

I think the medication causing it is my sleeping medication, so I'm going to properly wean myself off them. Sleep is a precious commodity in this house - I don't sleep well anyway, and that's before wakeful children. Reuben goes down very well, but has a bit of waking in the wee small hours.

Eden takes a long time to settle and a long time to get up. I go to bed early and it takes a lorryload worth of noise to rouse me. Perhaps that's the medication; we shall see as I come off it. I have to work out how much sleep I actually need - Reuben is such a handful I know I need energy to spare.

I don't know if it's a boy thing, but he demands so much more of me than his sisters ever did. I turn my back for a minute and he's found a box of crayons and is busily decorating the curtains. A second later he's tipped peanuts on the lounge carpet. I can't keep up, especially when I'm trying to educate the eldest two. Poor Beenie (Aurelia) gets a bit lost in the mayhem.

I'm trying to keep a clear head and not grumble about it, but it does seem that my best efforts are constantly thwarted, which does lend itself to some complaining. I shall endeavour to remain grateful for this little tribe who test me so everyday!

head spinning

2010-03-02T10:46:00.003Z

I've had a busy few days, what with school and church. I'm thrilled to report that we got to church, and it was a really good service, with a sermon that managed to be appropriate for the children and the adults.

Afterwards we visited friends for lunch - a fellow homeschooling family with four children, so everyone felt they had seen friends, and I had a good old natter with my friend. We talked about the challenges of juggling children, school and home responsibilities, and I left feeling encouraged and motivated.

Today I've been to the GP to do a review of my medication and situation. She reassured me that my weight was actually appropriate to my height, which has left me feeling a bit more confident about it. We also had some men come to fix the fascias and now we're going out to get a new chest of drawers for the children. All that and school this afternoon followed by Girl's brigade in the early evening. Was I posting something about not being too busy last week? :-D

Gone missing

2010-02-27T13:49:00.004Z

I sometimes wonder about my maternal instinct. Yesterday my middle daughter, Connie, lost her blankie. She's a bit old for blankie now, especially out and about, and while I prayed that the rescue mission would be successful, I wasn't especially exercised by the loss. I felt bad about that - blankie is, after all, a very well loved saggy old mini duvet.

He's gone missing before - left up a hill, left in the supermarket, you name it. Blankie is a wandering spirit!

Then this morning we went shopping, without blankie, who has been grounded after causing so much trouble. Aside from a demanding Reuben, it was a successful trip and we wheeled the trolley out to the car with some sense of accomplishment.

And then we noticed that Aurelia wasn't with us. My heart leaped into my mouth as I tore back in the shop to look for her. She was nowhere to be seen. I went to customer services almost in a blind panic. Just as I was giving a description of her, she appeared by my side, and appeared to have been totally unperturbed by her adventure.

As we walked out of the supermarket doors, I was relieved to find I did have a maternal instinct after all.

Daily educational joys

2010-02-24T19:24:00.003Z

One of the privileges of home education is teaching your children to read. I can't quite put into words how it feels to go through a phonics programme with your child and see their confidence grow as they begin to puzzle the sounds out and make sentences out of previous gobbledygook.

Eden has been a reader for some time now, and is also an eager letter writer. Connie is just beginning her reading adventure, as we're halfway through the basic programme. She is now beginning to write me notes that I can phonically sound out, which is such fun.

I also enjoy the coattails aspect of HE - the younger ones following on from the progress made by older siblings. I'm seeing it in Aurelia now as she sees her bigger sisters being able to make sense of the random letters on a television screen or on a road sign.

The biggest trial for me at the moment is trying to deal with a little boy who has lots and lots of energy and a short attention span. I'm probably using the television more than I'm happy with, but sometimes I just need to give both Connie and Eden some focused attention and telly is a useful help. It's only Cbeebies, which has a good ratio of educational content at least. Needs must.

Not too busy

2010-02-23T17:22:00.002Z

It's Girl's Brigade night tonight, and our eldest two are getting ready as I type. They do so enjoy getting all smart in their uniform. It's lovely seeing them so eager and enthusiastic. The nice thing is they get just as excited getting ready for church, minus the smart uniforms, naturally.

What with swimming on Friday evenings too, I think they have just enough of a social life to keep them busy - I know we couldn't cope with a different activity each evening, and I'm quite sure they couldn't either. So Girl's Brigade, swimming and Sunday School is the schedule for now, and I'm quite happy with that. Not too busy.

Must dash, fishfingers and chips for a nice quick tea, and I don't want to make them too crispy.

And she's back

2010-02-21T15:32:00.003Z

Church didn't happen today, and for once it wasn't due to my migraines or children being sick. Today it was the faithful chauffeur, my dear husband, who awoke running a temperature and spent the rest of the morning with the duvet over his head being tended to with lemsips and restorative cups of tea.

He's rarely ill and we were all disappointed today as we also missed church tea. He has had to get up this afternoon to go and get Eden from her weekend away, but is thankfully feeling a little better. I'm quite disappointed, as the week always goes better when started right, at church.

Eden is back with all limbs intact, and had a great time, as expected. She 'helped with the salad' and went on a short train journey as well as lots of walking. Hopefully she'll get to sleep as she had a late one for 'quiz night'. Constance is pleased to see her best buddy back, but enjoyed being 'big sister' while she was away.

Letting my baby go

2010-02-19T09:24:00.003Z

She's only 8 and she's off on her own today, out into the world. The Girl's Brigade are having a weekend away, and my eight year old Eden is going away out of the family for the first time. There is a question mark about it due to the weather, but all being well, she's going to a forest centre to enjoy walking and activities.

I can't pretend to be easy about the whole thing, and my first instinct was to say no, but Ant had the casting vote and so she goes. She been carrying her kit list around with her for a couple of weeks, and reminding me everyday that we need to boil her an egg to take - the mind it doth boggle!

I'm sure it will all be fine and she will have a great time and be full of spirits about the whole thing. But I worry about it, because I'm a mum, and that's one of the things we do.

Sugar and baths

2010-02-18T15:55:00.002Z

News of the day - fasting sugar is hard! I've had to give up not having it in coffee, which just tastes dreadul without it. Haven't had any chocolate, biscuits or cakes though, despite baking with the kids yesterday (and I actually remember doing it too). So coffee will be my concession, as I'm afraid I can't do without it.

It's snowing heavily outside, and I'm heartily sick of it now. I want some daffodils to start peeking through. I want to start doing some more walking with the children, but while it's still so cold I just don't feel confident enough. I'm naturally quite reclusive, and don't want to disadvantage them by not encouraging them to be active. My own fitness will help, and be helped by this, I'm sure.

Random fact - I love hot baths, and always take a book with me, but I never read the book. I always intend to, but I just get superheated far too quickly and need to get out again. Ant laughs about it every evening. I can't lower the temperature as I get out just as quickly because it's too cold. I always read when I get into bed though, even if it's just a few lines. I'm thoroughly enjoying my Peter Masters book, as I always do. He's a very engaging writer.

A mixed bag

2010-02-17T18:59:00.003Z

Today has been a mixed bag. A few moments of memory loss, medication induced, so I can't tell you about them because I don't remember. It happened last week while I was making a banana loaf. I came down the following morning prepared to make it and found one already half eaten on the cutting board. Couldn't remember a single solitary thing about making it.

Oh these bright spots of excitment. We did baking again today, mostly with me taking a very hands off supervisor role while Eden rallies the troops, giving them all jobs to do. She's a wonderful eight year old, responsible, but fun with it too. She'll be a great mum.

Funnily enough, she's not automatically thinking of that thought. She knows it's an option for her, but she's also quite prepared that God might call her to be single. She has good single role models to aspire to. It's quite humbling, especially as one of her stated intentions is 'some sort of missionary work, like Amy Carmichel'.

Mood wise, I've coped with a full day, which is a big old acheivement tick on the wall for me. It's the beginning of lent, and though I don't follow the anglican church year, I have decided to fast from sugar as it rather goes with the challenge to turn from sin that my book is exhorting me too. A bit of self-denial never hurt anyone, and I hear tell it does some good. Can't hurt my waistline either. I did do a bit of running on the spot in my tracksuit yesterday, not sure it counts :-D

A snapshot

2010-02-16T17:52:00.003Z

I'm aware that this blog has been much more personal of late. It's not deliberate, I'm just not quite as interested in politics and matters of great opinion. You may have noticed I'm no longer 'opinionated' on my profile.

The nature of the blog has changed, because it's that or stop blogging. It occurred to me that most blogs must go through this sort of change over varying periods of time. I'm reminded of DJP's blog when the American election was looming. Some people stop blogging, but I'm not inclined to do that because I appreciate having a place to write down my musings, even if no one reads them.

My readership has fallen off, but I never really blogged to be a big hit, it's just something I enjoy and proves useful to me. My mental health is at the current time, quite fragile, and I'd value your continued prayers about that. I think there is light at the end of this particular tunnel, and it's good to be able to say that.

So you're welcome to journey on with me, and see where we go from here.

Today has been quite a relaxed sort of day, with bean casserole bubbling on the stove and a new tracksuit for me. I'm trying to start exercising, as one of the side effects of my medication is weight gain, and I'm not at all used to being this size. I'm a UK14, though I don't know what that is over the pond, it's certainly bigger than I've ever been and nothing fits. Except the new tracksuit!

School is starting up again after our week long break, and I'm beginning to feel more confident. Our family is a little less supportive than they have been, and I'm feeling the pressure of disapproval, so it's good to have things under control.

Anyway, that's it for today, I may post more tomorrow, as it's helpful for me to chart how things are - I hope I don't bore you all to tears with daily dullness.

On not feeling

2010-02-14T18:55:00.004Z

I'm a multi-book person. I very rarely have only one book on the go, and currently have about three which I'm working through. One is a revisit, called The Mutual Love of Christ and His People. It's a marvellously puritan title, though it's by one of my favourite modern preachers, Peter Masters.

As I read today, I was moved by something peculiar - I noticed that I wasn't moved. The delightful descriptions left me utterly cold, and this is to be remarked upon as I think I've felt this way for a long time, and only just properly noticed.

Then I read an extract from Spurgeon over at Dan's blog speaking, as Spurgeon does, so eloquently to the depths of depression, and I realized that I have been feeling terribly, terribly guilty about this.

Time was I had real passion for the gospel, and loved to devour all I could by way of a devoted heart. But I think right now the Lord has removed the usual consolations of religion, and I think He can only mean me to seek after Him all the harder.

I don't mean chasing feelings, naturally, but I do think there is something passionate hidden from me at the moment, and I would like it back again.

an update

2010-02-01T10:35:00.003Z

At the moment I am starting a lot of posts in draft and not finishing them. It's like I get halfway through a post and think 'What's the point?' which is probably why the posts which have seen the light of day have been short and direct. No bad thing of course, some things can be said in few words.

I'd appreciate your prayers, it feels very much like I'm having a crisis of faith, unsure of how to proceed. I can't articulate it further than that, and I am slightly fearful that it's part of a relapse in my condition. Apologies to those who come here for more than I can give at the present time.

Being Human

2010-01-29T16:33:00.002Z

I haven't been watching the new series of Being Human, and I'm now glad I didn't bother as I hear the baddies are 'fundamentalist Christians' who want to destroy or experiment on the heroes. I know I'm not alone in being frustrated by the media inability to portray Christians accurately. Quite disappointed, it was so promising.

On closed doors

2010-01-21T14:58:00.001Z

We pushed at a door this past week, and it was closed quite firmly. The closing happened yesterday and 24 hours on, I'm quite reconciled to it. It's made something else much clearer, which is a real blessing.

Sometimes we pootle along without a clear view of God's will for us, but it really feels like we have been given that view, at least concerning the area of finances.

And of course, now the door has closed, I feel a lot better because I'm now dealing with a known situation, rather than having a potential steal my thought energy, if that makes any sense at all.

It's like God has said 'No, you're not to do this, but you do have the opportunity to do this other important thing now'.

Your prayers would be appreciated as we try and be faithful in the task ahead of us.

Thankful Thursday

2010-01-21T09:13:00.000Z

I don't normally join in with memes and blog diary events, largely because I am a bit scatterbrained. So if this doesn't happen next Thursday don't be surprised, I'll probably be thinking it's Wednesday or be consumed with the menu planning for the Saturday shopping expedition. (And to prove it, I overlooked the day and originally posted this last Friday)

So, what am I thankful for today?

I'm thankful for the freedoms that enable me to home educate my children, and for the availability of curriculum that gives me confidence I'm not messing them up by doing it myself.

I'm thankful for the warning Jesus gave that his followers would have to take up their cross and follow him. Without knowing that it would be all too easy to whine about life not being fair because it's not revolving around my needs and wants.

I'm thankful that I'm able to make my own washing liquid, especially when we have to tighten our belts financially.

I'm thankful for brie, stilton and cheddar with crackers, always a sumptuous treat and an opportunity to spend time chatting with my lovely husband, who I am also thankful for.

on blood.

2010-01-18T16:48:00.005Z

I'm having a blood test on Wednesday, part of the regular regime with the medication I am taking. Time was I had quite an aversion to needles, due to the inept attentions of a junior doctor when I had measles. He punctured every vein he could see without success, and my preteen self became hysterical by the end of the experience, which did eventually yield sufficient blood.

For the longest time I avoided injections like the plague, refusing routine blood tests or at the very least forgetting I had to go get one. While I still don't relish the experience, time and frequent use have helped me to get over my fears. When you simply have no choice but to submit to the attentions of a phlebotomist, you have to squish down unpleasant feelings.

So I shall sit in the comfy chair ("No, not the comfy chair!") and avert my eyes while I am jabbed with that thicker-than-most needle, and take some deep breaths. In short I will just get on with it. One only has to look at the situation in Haiti to be disabused of the preciousness that we sometimes allow ourselves. I haven't lost everything, and at least I have access to medical attention, even if it is unwelcome. A bit of self-discipline is sometimes neccessary.

Busy with school.

2010-01-14T10:29:00.003Z

I'm having a really good time with school at the moment. There has been talk recently of making use of a christian school nearby, but apart from the costs involved, I am reluctant to outsource something which I enjoy and gives structure and purpose to a family day at home.

It's an attractive siren call, though - send them to school and you'll have time to yourself. I'm getting nagging from certain quarters that what I need is freedom from the constant demands of children.

While I certainly think it's good to have time alone, the simple fact is that I chose to have children and this necessitates a certain amount of sacrifice, including the luxury of great swathes of 'me-time'.

Besides, like I said, I'm enjoying the work. It means that housework has to take a back seat, but I'm not putting in for a full page spread in Homes & Gardens, so that's alright. The more I do it, the better I'll be able to balance it all (and hopefully I'll learn to check that there isn't a disposable nappy in the washing pile, like there was this morning.)

Frosty hearts

2010-01-12T16:53:00.003Z

As you may be aware, the vast bulk of the UK is blanketed with fairly significant snowfall. Here in the midlands it's been no exception, the snow playing havoc with the schedules of both work, home and church.

Now, I quite like snow, being an Autumn/Winter kind of girl, but even I am getting a bit heartsick at the sight of the frozen ground and the ice rinks outside our doors.

By coincidence, a friend recently gave me a book with quotes from Samuel Rutherford, and I've been impressed by the fact that he was clearly burning with love for Jesus Christ.

It struck me that here I am, pining for a thaw to come to the ground outside my home, and my heart is just as icy and yet I do not yearn for a thaw there, or not nearly as much as I should.

I want this to be true of me - Christ hath come, and run away to heaven with my heart and my love, so that neither heart nor love is mine. How about you?

Revisiting convictions

2010-01-09T17:38:00.002Z

As part of the flurry of new year 'resolution' posts on some forums I visit, I have been encouraged to take stock of the last decade of my life. It's been a momentous time, losing a parent, getting married, becoming a parent a few times over.

Aside from these life-defining events, I've developed convictions on faith that have defined the choices I've made - choices to be a stay at home mum, and to change church.

At the beginning of the decade I was an active charismatic, arminian in theology. I had no concept of motherhood as a calling, and I saw in the new millenium dressed in a mini-skirt and a backless top.

As the decade progressed, I changed beyond all recognition, but also had to face some hard things, including very difficult pregnancies that literally crippled me for long periods of time.

This review of the last decade showed me that I've very much lost my way in the past couple of years, due to my mental health issues, and I've been inspired to revisit many of the things which first kindled enthusiasm for me in the first few years of the decade.

I've finally got around to getting a copy of 'Passionate Housewives, desperate for God' which is co-written by one of the women who first influenced me to take a counter-cultural approach to family, Stacy MacDonald. It's a bracing read, and so far I'm thoroughly enjoying it.

At first I think I clung to these convictions because they felt like stability after a life of instability, and inevitably I fell into thinking that I had to be like certain people or I wasn't being faithful to my callings.

The trials of the past few years have really impressed upon me that I need to own what I believe and live it out in my own context - I realized I had wanted to be like Stacy, rather than wanting to be embracing the same convictions but in my own way.

I'm ten years older now, and Lord willing, a little wiser. I hope to get myself back on a firmer foundation so that I can fully hold to my calling, respect and honour those who have influenced me, and hopefully be a godly influence myself.

You'd think...

2009-12-22T16:24:00.002Z

...surely, the answer would be to direct Christians and others to look out for those who truly have nothing, instead of suggesting that those who have nothing turn to petty theft.

Wrestling with the big questions.

2009-12-20T15:54:00.002Z

One of my problems right now is belief. I find all is dryness and pablum, and nothing about my faith stirs my heart as it has in the past. But it's a heartening thing to realize one can pray about this, not because of any religious feeling, but simply as an act of will.

It's not a pleasant place to be, but never has it seemed more precious to me that I don't base my faith on emotional highs and religious feelings.

I'm not the only one wrestling with these things, Connie is really listening at church and working things out. This morning she was dealing with Jesus being truly God and truly man. At first she explained it to me that Jesus was half man, half magician, which caused some amusement.

I explained that Jesus was fully human, not half human, and her response was - "But He's so powerful, how can He be human. We're human and we can't do the things He did." These are big thinks, even for an adult, never mind a six year old. I find much inspiration in the burgeoning faith of my children.

hello again

2009-12-15T20:23:00.002Z

Well, m'dears, I'm out of hospital and managing to live my life out here. It really does feel like a brand new start, and I'm profoundly grateful for that sense. I've gone from total rest with nothing expected of me, to a busy house with a lot to do. It's a daunting prospect, as you might expect.

I haven't felt compelled to post recently, largely because all my spare energy is being put into the effort of normal day to day, including homeschool. I find my opinionated ways are tempered considerably by chores, which I think is probably no bad thing.

I've managed to do a little more creative writing, including some short story ideas which I might submit for publication to some women's magazines. That feels exciting and productive, and I might share some with you if I get time enough to do so (wrong computer to do it now!)

Anyway, just a quick catch-up from me - the girls are back from their Girl's Brigade Christingle service and I have a flurry of exciting tales about candles in oranges to enjoy!

All change

2009-10-14T14:36:00.007Z

Note: I had this post up very briefly and withdrew it. I'm in a depressive phase and consequently feel rather fragile, and the name change is a personal thing, due to the nature of my reasons. I'm reposting now after a more positive day.

So, it's been noted that I've changed my name. I don't really see this blog as a great confessional, and part of the name-change is about separating myself from my past, but I'll try and briefly frame my reasons.

I didn't have the best childhood and teen years. I don't have the greatest extended family in the world, for a number of different reasons. I've had a very chequered life, and in some significant ways have been a victim. It's almost like my old name was wholly associated with people who didn't care about me, or who treated me badly.

After much thought, I decided to change my name, as a symbol to myself and others that I am a new creation, and while my past makes me who I am, it does not define me. So, I am now Kay, short for Katherine, which means purity. I appreciate it's not a common thing, and might not make sense to you, but those are my reasons.

this week

2009-10-14T14:01:00.004Z

This week we have started a new homeschool curriculum, which you might understand, has taken up quite a bit of my time and energy. Eden is already happily filling in her workbooks, and I am still doing the necessary reading to begin helping Constance to read next week.

The younger two are happy occupying themselves. As is the way in parenting, I used to feel quite guilty because I didn't provide entertainment for my children all the time. I feel quite differently now, and in fact I'm quite pleased that I have children who are able to entertain themselves.

There has also been sickness in the house, which is invariably the case, especially at this time of the year. It is beautifully sunny today, though, and Autumn sunshine is my favourite kind. I think I'll go and make a banana loaf.

Meez

2009-10-13T08:37:00.002Z

haven't been able to get on the site for ages, and it is a time-eater, but I could hardly resist this, could I? Me as companion. Allon-sy!

All must win prizes. Especially Obama.

2009-10-09T13:44:00.004Z

I am mostly not about controversy these days - I'm just not online long enough to really delve into defending my position so I tend to steer clear. But while I sit at my dinner table with my fancy-schmancy new wifi connection, I am positively gripped by the need to say "The Nobel Peace Prize really is a load of old bobbins, isn't it?"

Because seriously, giving it to a man who has effectively just said 'I'm nice, let's chat, isn't peace lovely' just makes an utter mockery of the whole idea (and yes, I'm sure previous winners probably already did that. Al Gore, I'm looking at you. And pointing out ManBearPig just to make you spin around).

What next? An honorary knighthood? The George Cross? Ridiculous.

On ‘no’ being a blessing too.

2009-08-22T19:36:00.000Z

These past few weeks I’ve had opportunity to muse about prayer, specifically the answering thereof. I often fall into thinking that my prayers are only answered when things go as I wish them to.

At the current moment, my access to the internet is quite restricted – a combination of lack of time and problems with the technology. It would be nice to have it all sorted, and I have prayed that it would be, but seemingly, those prayers haven’t been answered.

Out in the real world, I have been endeavouring to get used to my new medication and deal with the demands of home, children and life in general. So far, it seems that that I’m running against the grain of life in everything.

I was feeling a little abandoned by God because my prayers about all these things seemed to be ignored. But this morning it dawned on me that my prayers had been answered – I was being given all the necessary trials and difficulties to enable me to grow in holiness.

My computer access being limited means I have to be disciplined in my use of it, and can’t waste time. My medication reminds me constantly that I am weak and need to lean on the help of the Holy Spirit and others. My children provide constant challenges to forget ‘self’ and serve others.

What answers to prayer have you been receiving recently?

Yesterday she was a 'foetus'

2009-07-30T09:15:00.003Z

Today, having managed to survive the murderous onslaught that killed her mother, she has graduated to a baby.

I find it telling that our society puts so much store in politically correct labelling, to save people from the horror of being offended, but also cunningly uses language to sanitize the murder of a whole other set of people.

Because let's not kid ourselves, the only reason the little girl was a 'foetus' yesterday was because our society kills others like her in the womb by the million and foetus helps protect delicate consciences from that reality.

I pray for rich blessings on this poor little one, hoping that after such a nightmarish start, she has a good life.

tasting temptation.

2009-07-30T07:50:00.003Z

I've been thinking about what brings me joy in the past few days. One of the sneaky things about sin is that it entices with pleasure. CS Lewis noted that the pleasure was always a twisted form of something God created, but even so pleasure it does remain. What changes is the quality and longevity of the pleasure.

Take two things that have given me pleasure in the past week. One was a sinful twisting of physical attraction into lust, the other was my new bible. The sinful pleasure tasted good at first, but once my conscience kicked in (literally, ouch!) it quickly lost appeal. It was like chewing gum, with the appearance of tasty food at first, but after a short while all you are doing is working at it for no real reward.

My new bible, on the other had, has quickly become my favourite thing in the house. I'm at the stage where I even hug it to myself with glee. It smells nice, it has enough blank pages at either end so I can write notes, and it's a readable type in my favourite version, the KJV.

Reading it has been like breathing cool fresh air (and I've been reading Jeremiah, so that's a feat in itself) and the 'flavour' of the pleasure doesn't dim. Even the older one it replaced is still giving me joy, even though it remains on the shelf now, just a sheaf of papers held together just by the books on either side.

Ask yourself today - is what you are taking pleasure in like chewing gum? Or does it give lasting pleasure?

Well, here he is

2009-07-21T19:19:00.003Z

And I'm quite liking it. Reminiscent of Troughton which can only be a good thing in my opinion (Two being in my top three Doctors). At the very least it's not petulant teen. I can go with quirky tweedy science-teacher who's older than he looks. How about you?

Homosexuality and persecution.

2009-07-20T08:25:00.003Z

It seems to be clear that homosexuality is becoming the issue on which the orthodox Christian church will be persecuted over in the coming years. News article after news article illustrates that trying to act with integrity on the matter will lead to sanctions. This is but one example.

I'm struck by the virulence of the response to even the mild stance taken by the doctor in that article. It's a common theme. This isn't about equality, of course, it's about special rights, and religious conviction isn't included. Of course, even among professing Christians people are debating whether or not homosexuality is sinful - though I think it's instructive that the 'modern' viewpoints never arise from the study of scripture, and nearly always arise from knowing some very nice gay couples.

One thing I would say, though - one might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. If one is going to object to homosexual uber-rights, you might as well point out that your objection arises from scripture. I don't see the need to cobble together statistics which only confuse the issue. It's God's word and the Holy Spirit that convicts people, and if you make that plain, some good may come of the persecution.

The love in the plan.

2009-07-19T21:44:00.002Z

Today I attended church with my family for the second time in a row. My kind husband allowed me to sit in both times while he wrestled with our two year old, and the sermon, on Romans 8, was a real encouragement.

One of the things I struggle with, as a believer, is God's love. His law, his justice and his wrath, I understand, and appropriately fear. But His love, and specifically His love of me, I'm hardly ever convinced of.

But today, I saw all things working together in a new light, understanding that the context for that verse is God's love to me, not just his officious fulfilling of a plan.

You may not quite understand that as a revelation, but believe me, it's quite something for someone who has an image of a stern, reluctant, distant God who condescends to let me into the kingdom, but only on sufferance because it's part of the plan.

(yes, look at that, I appear to be blogging again)

Love can move mountains

2009-07-10T21:10:00.001Z

For my husband.

And you, good blog visitor, may enjoy it too.

A prayer request

2009-06-28T15:44:00.001Z

Some of you may know I've been poorly recently. Prayers are appreciated as I try and acclimatize to being at home again after a prolonged period in hospital - it's not easy, and I'm not doing very well at it.

On having a sting in the blogpost.

2009-03-26T16:54:00.004Z

Well, look at that - it's me, with Tedd Trip and his very lovely wife Margy. A couple of Saturdays back, Ant and I escaped on our own to spend the first meltingly warm day of the year in a school hall. It was worth every second, because we got to hear a whole day of biblical teaching on parenting which was such a challenging encouragment.

Lots of books are recommended on parenting, but 'Shepherding a Child's Heart' is one which I think really surpasses a lot of them. We get fed so much that is the wisdom of man - and it's ok, in the right place.

I'm very glad of human wisdom when it comes to having to buy a new washing machine because ours broke down this week, or of human wisdom that can discern whether or not the concussion I've had this week, after my head became a magnet for a heavy door, is something to worry about or not. Something like 'The Five Love Languages' has plenty of truth in it, simply from the perspective of studying humans and how they behave and react.

But nothing is ever going to come up to the standard of the bible, in terms of wisdom, because that's God's wisdom, and if we're wise, and want to be wiser, that's the place to get it from. This is true for many, many things - parenting is really no different. Now, I'm not one to follow gurus, and while meeting Tedd Tripp was fabulous, because it was so helpful to hear it, having already read it, he'd be the first to say that scripture is the guide.

Bearing that in mind, I really would recommend Tripp's book to anyone - current parents especially, but the truths in it are applicable to all of us. It's the heart that needs to be right, and if you're parenting outward behaviour and not dealing directly with the heart, you're just raising little white-washed tombs.

Now, having filled you in on that, I'm going to close up shop for the foreseeable future.

I know, you weren't expecting that. You're all "What? What?! WHAT?!!" in a shocked Doctorish manner.

I'm afraid it's become largely impossible to blog on any kind of regular basis - quite apart from the demands of that pesky real life thing, I am operating on possibly the most idiosyncratic computer ever which only lets me online when it feels like it. I call it HAL, actually. Thus my online time is severely limited, and the blog just sits here accusing me, and I'm sorry, but no digital construct is allowed to do that. Besides all that, I really am trying to pursue my creative writing, which in itself, takes up valuable time.

Until I get a new computer, which isn't going to happen any time soon (the emergency fund just went on a washing machine, remember?) the pink blog will go dark. I'm not saying I won't ever come back to it, but you shouldn't expect it soon. Many, many thanks to everyone who has linked to my ramblings and/or commented here over the years, and I shan't be deleting anything, so I won't be messing up any posts which do link here (Actually, that's a pet hate of mine, might blog about it in a few years...)

I'll probably see you around the blogosphere, I'm quite sure I don't want to stop reading you all.

On ways in which I emulate Mary

2009-03-17T19:33:00.002Z

There's much in Roman Catholic circles about emulating Mary. Many sincerely believe that Marian devotion is a real path to unity between Protestants and Catholics. ECT is going to bring out a whole paper on ecumenical approaches to Mary soon.

I'm not unfamiliar with Catholic devotion to Mary, having had a brush with Catholicism myself, and I understand the attractions it holds. But you know, I'm not a Catholic, and I don't believe that she was ever-virgin, assumed into heaven, (In fact, for ages, I thought 'The Assumption' meant that it was a guess you had to believe in, which isn't so far from the truth, really...) and nor do I believe she dispenses all graces. I think she's probably consumed with wonder and love in the presence of her Lord, in all honesty.

But this idea of her being someone that Christians emulate has been something I've pondered for ages. Because, like any other biblical Christian, it's perfectly true. And where she was godly, this is a really good thing. Being willing for God's will to be done, however hard and terrifying, as Mary was at the annunciation, is something I admire greatly.

Being gathered together with the other believers in prayer as she was at the descent of the Holy Spirit, is something I know I need to do more.

Yet there are other things in which I emulate her and I shouldn't. When I discover that Christ seems absent from me, I do as Mary did, and look everywhere, leaving the house of God until last. When life throws me a problem, I do not trust, but instead, I often need the Lord to remind me to wait on His timing. When something of His teaching challenges me, I am far too apt to stand apart from him, as Mary did with her other sons, calling Him out.

I want to emulate her faithfulness, and I too often find I emulate her moments of confusion and faithless behaviour. I want to emulate her quiet following of the Way - I love the way she just disappears after the Holy Spirit fills the disciples in the Upper room. In this day and age, it's quite the thing to want to be part of 'the chosen generation', to be the one to 'make an impact for God'.

I love that Mary's lasting impact was simply bringing Jesus into the world, and a beautiful hymn of devotion to her God, in the Magnificat - none of which should make us think of Mary, but of the wonderful loving God who blessed her. I fear ending my days with a legacy that makes people think of the Doctor, or my politics, or, God forbid, me, more than they think of Jesus Christ.

A fabulous blog

2009-03-15T22:48:00.003Z

There's just been a documentary, on the BBC, in which the gospel was clearly preached - by a 13 year old girl. I appreciate that many of my readers won't be able to see it, as iplayer is only available in the UK, but if you do get the chance to see 'Deborah 13: Servant of God' on any of the overseas BBC media, then I recommend it heartily.

Her blog is here, and she's a real credit to those who have raised her, and most importantly, to the Lord. Her soft heart towards the lost challenged me more than I can put into words. She's going to be taking a lot of heat for her bold witness, especially in this country, so do leave her a message of support, and pray for her.

Go ahead, scream a little louder.

2009-03-11T10:32:00.003Z

This is, without doubt, disgraceful behaviour. Hateful, stupid and bigoted. But you know what? I'm glad they are free to say what they want in my country, so that sensible people can look and see hateful, stupid bigotry for what it is.

Because in most of the countries where their vile creed is in the ascendancy, you would be subject to severe retribution for daring to voice dissent. Go ahead, boys, speak out for the Ummah, so that that fewer people will be deceived into believing you are all a bunch of peacenik fluff-bunnies.

Nothing of substance

2009-03-04T12:44:00.002Z

But still. Currently, my wish list of frivolity includes this,
these and this.

I think I'm not very good at being a grown-up. In other news, one of my children swapped the 'V' and the 'End' keys on the keyboard, and despite being able to mostly touchtype, it actually took me a few attempts to actually hit the right keys to explain that to you. The human brain is a marvellously intricate thing.

A 'marking stone'

2009-02-17T12:26:00.004Z

When life goes at a pace, your children are sprouting up before your eyes, and you barely have time to sit down, it's easy to lose sight of even the spectacular things that God does, let alone the day-to-day mercies.

With that in mind, it's helpful to mark down the things which God has done, to encourage you when things get harder, and the fog of doubt clouds about you. So, I'm registering on my blog, something which happened in the past couple of weeks that highlights the care and real concern of our Living God.

As most readers of this blog are aware, I do not enjoy the best of health. At least one of my children is a traveller with me on that particular journey, so I don't get to church as often as I desperately want to. I do pray about better health, but so far it seems it's just something I'm having to go on with - with little travelling mercies on the way, like effective medication and so on.

That given, I did experience a stunning answer to prayer in the last week, which is well worth setting up as a marking stone. I was filling a hot water bottle for my youngest daughter, Aurelia. She's a little slip of a girl, and has enjoyed having a cuddly hot cow at night recently.

Trouble is, the rubber water bottle isn't holding up to the ravages of time and kettle, and it sometimes 'burps' at inopportune moments. Like, when I'm filling it from the kettle, with Aurelia standing beside me. It overflowed like a volcano, onto my left hand, and while the initial instinct is to remove the hand from the source of pain - I couldn't. Little Beenie was standing there, and I couldn't risk splashing her with scalding water, so I had to let it pour over my hand until I could safely put it down.

I told her not to touch it, and called for Ant while I ran my hand under the cold tap. He came in, moved the kettle, and organized the girls to pray. My hand was a livid, painful red and swelling up so much I removed my wedding ring. I wrapped it in a damp teatowel, and one-handedly asked some online friends for prayer too.

About half and hour later, Ant asked how it was feeling. It didn't feel of anything much, which I presumed was numbness from the cool teatowel. I peeled it off to have a look.

I looked. At my completely healthy hand. Not a mark on it - no redness, no swelling, no blistering, no pain. It looked no different to my right hand (well, you know, apart from having the thumb on the other side and all that...)

I'm no doctor, and I know the course of treatment I took was the correct way to deal with a scald or burn. But I'm fairly confident that even doing the right medical thing won't restore a significantly scalded hand completely within half an hour.

You know, I'd give Him thanks if it had taken a few days to feel a bit better - simply because He gave me the presence of mind to protect Aurelia. I shall give Him thanks in a few days when hopefully the current round of heavy, chesty colds has left this house for a bit. I give Him thanks in the ongoing day-to-day, in which He helps me function.

So it would be greatly remiss of me not to give Him thanks when He heals me, in answer to the prayers of His people, in a quite remarkable way.

Another reason I'm glad I home educate..

2009-02-12T12:31:00.004Z

Right here.

And the stuff about the private asking-for-prayer e-mail leading to disciplinary action? Wow. Just proper wow. If I made it up, I'd be accused of scaremongering. Because it's ok, isn't it? Church attendance in comfy, cosy places is rising, and so everything in the Christian UK house is just fine. Isn't it?

You can have an update, now the school have responded. Mentioning hell is 'religiously intolerant', of course. Give us the fluffy, cuddly version of religion, please, and keep your sharp edges carefully sheathed.

Jesus is my stylist.

2009-02-09T10:35:00.003Z

Yuck.

I just can't quite articulate how utterly depressed such superficial Christianity makes me feel. And how I feel is the most important, thing, isn't it? God is there to help me solve my problems and issues, and I don't actually have to change a thing - I can still be as worldly as I like. Hey, I can even go to a church that fits me perfectly. I'm being a much nicer person too, and I can even pray about which flash party dress to buy.

What's that song? "It's all about me, Jesus..." Yeah, I know, I'm being terribly judgey and that's what those straight-laced Christians do. Shouldn't I be glad that people are going to church and feeling comforted by it in uncertain times? Well, no, not really. Church as community is lovely, up to a very clearly defined line.

If uncertain times are driving people into church because of the 'friendships' or the chance to make themselves feel fulfilled by giving money away instead of spending it on ridiculously over-pried shoes, then I'm going to have to direct them to the Jesus in Luke 18, who emphasizes to the self-satisfied rich young ruler that following Him is all about Him.

Jesus is not your stylist. Jesus is Lord, and everyone has to acknowledge that one day.

on Christian writing and ideas.

2009-02-05T13:28:00.002Z

I appear to be ridiculously busy. Four children walking, talking and needing different sorts of attention will do that for you. I haven't started driving lessons yet, we're waiting for the cash to become available, which should be the end of the month - but I am reading a book on it! The theory test is probably the bit I'm looking forward to least. Well, I say that, but actually it's the whole 'going-on-the-motorway-and-being-stared-down-by-big-lorries' thing that probably beats the theory in terms of worry.

The two eldest are eagerly ploughing through workbooks, and memorizing the books of the New Testament. My son is enjoying his birthday train set (he's two years old, can you believe it? Me neither) and I have finally perfected the art of pastry. That's topical, actually, because the key to good pastry, in my opinion, is COLD. It's very cold here, we have a snow man lounging about, lopsided, in the garden.

I don't quite know why everyone in this country gets in a tizzy-fit when a bit of rain freezes as it falls, and why two measly inches of it would create bedlam, but that's the English for you. Nothing is as nice as being able to complain about something related to the weather. Even if it's the buses.

I am busy writing, on my fancy-pants laptop. One story is an ongoing project, a childrens book about the shepherds in a Nativity set coming to life. I've done quite a bit of it this week, the snow has helped me conjure up the 'Christmas' atmosphere in my head.

The other main project is an experiment. Ant and I saw a Christian film the other day, and while we could see clearly what it was trying to do, it fell into a trap that a lot of Christian entertainment does. It wanted to preach. The characters were stuffed full of wordy speeches, and every single one of them, had they been a real person, would have been the person you avoid because they are so incredibly dull.

Don't get me wrong, I love preachers. But they aren't, despite the theories of the pomo crowd, storytellers. Preaching is a specific, God-ordained task, and I value it enormously. But some Christian artists, be they making movies, or writing books, can't help thinking that because they're Christians, they need to pretend to be preachers too. But one of the better cliches about writing is that it's always better to show, rather than to tell.

With that in mind, there's a new programme started on the BBC this past fortnight, and it's very good, if you like fantasy/sci-fi. There are a few moments my delicate conscience tells me make this innappropriate to properly get into, but the premise is fascinating. It's called Being Human, and it follows the lives of three people sharing a house - who happen to be a vampire, a werewolf and a ghost. What makes it interesting from a Christian point of view is that they're aren't happy with their situations. The vampire is desperate to stop biting people, the werewolf is terrified of his wolf nature, and the ghost isn't really facing up to what brought her there.

The vampire and the wolf especially are being hounded by people who want them to fully embrace their 'identity', but they want to fight it. I think there's a lot there that explores the reality of sin in human nature, and, barring certain 'adult' elements, I genuinely think it's a story that has a lot of Christian ideas in it.

Dan Phillips has blogged before about whether it's possible to 'redeem' horror as a genre. I know that part of me recoils from the ideas involved, and that is probably the part I should listen to. But I do have an idea for a story that tries to communicate certain Christian realities through story-telling, in the same sort of way that CS Lewis tried to communicate certain Christian ideas in The Chronicles of Narnia.

The starting point is the idea of a main character who wakes up one morning and realizes she is dead. And nobody seems to notice. Not quite sure where to take it, and I'm wondering if I should just drop it entirely. But it is an interesting question. What should a Christian fiction writer write about?

New Earth, new me...

2009-01-17T17:07:00.002Z

Well, ok, not really New Earth, just a new year. And ok, not really a new me, either. Just the same me from last year, with a few more wrinkles. Actually, on the subject of wrinkles, I did notice a new one on my forehead last week that has been created by the arch of my left eyebrow. I even have sarcastic wrinkles. I will get around to posting visual proof, as I am now the owner of a mobile phone which does that sort of thing.

For further proof that I am slowly losing my Luddite tendencies, today I worked out how to photocopy on our printer, which means I am now flushed with a sense of power, and able to provide worksheets a-plenty to my eager children.

Armed with these new technological abilities, and an eyebrow that can scorn at twenty paces, I have a few plans for the year. Not world domination, you'll be pleased to hear, though my dislike for the current James Bond has turned me into a cartoon baddie in my imagination.

No, this year, I am going to learn to drive. I'm giving you all advance notice, because of my concern for public safety. Frankly, I'm somewhat terrified, but excited enough by the possibilities to overcome that. Actually getting to the women's meeting at church is going to be a real possibility before 2010 arrives.

I'm also going to try and iron out exactly what I believe regarding the 'end times', which isn't putting much of a drain on technology, because I'm using the terribly old-fashioned medium of real books. I know. You're shocked.

This is largely because I'm trying to simplify my head. I appreciate that filling it with lots of information about eschatology might not seem the most straightforward way to simplify, but really, it is. I have a tendency to immerse myself in the things which interest me, which can be really rather unhelpful.

At the moment, I'm having to completely pull back from my interest in current affairs. The media is about to convulse with squealing joy over Obama, and I don't have any anti emetics in the house to combat the effects, and the daily headlines seem to be one endless stream of misery.

I have children to educate and a house to maintain - I don't have the spare headroom to be trying to process all that mess as well. I don't even really have time to blog it out, so I'm afraid you probably won't see a lot of it on here. What you probably will see is my attempts to wrestle with eschatology, and my quest to generally simplify in all sorts of areas that are just crammed to the gills right now.

I'm going to steer clear of polemics that I just don't have the stomach for anymore. Englishmusings probably isn't going to become the homey sort of blog that I enjoy reading, but don't write. I'm still opinionated, after all. I might put a few bits of my fiction in amongst everything, who knows. You'll just have to wait and see.

Maybe it is 'new me' after all. :-)

teenDoc

2009-01-04T17:39:00.003Z

If you listening carefully, you can hear the sound of plaintive wailing. I'll probably stop eventually. For now, I can't quite get past Doctor Who becoming Doctor Who Junior, with a leading man who looks like a square-jawed emo teenager just like so many other leads in fantasy sci-fi.

I'm hopeful it won't become Smallville/Buffy/Whatever, and that the new management know what they're doing, and haven't been swayed by focus-group demographics. But oh, gracious me, he looks seventeen, and with as much authority as a drama major reading his own florid poetry.

I'll give him a chance, of course I will. I'm trying to be optimistic, really I am. I'll be quite happy to announce my concerns were groundless, and he's a wonderful Doctor. But the precipice that is Colin Baker yawns open before me...

It'll be fine. Really.

...plaintive wailing resumes...

A very subdued Christmas.

2008-12-31T17:52:00.003Z

I hear tell that it's been Christmas recently. We have been playing pass-the-bug instead, which has been almost as time and attention consuming as a full, jolly Christmas period, but not as much fun.

We did manage a Turkey dinner on Christmas day, but it was a bit like dinner with the seven dwarves - we had Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Achy, Sicky...

I'm honestly not complaining, except about not getting to my own church for weeks, but that's the way it is when you have a number of little children and a weak constitution yourself. Chances are, at this time of the year when it is traditional to share (illnesses, that is), at least one out of six will be unwell.

Only two of the children have significantly runny noses now, and Reuben is unfortunately completely out of sorts, which is most unlike his usual cheerful nature. He has been starting to enjoy his sticklebrick tub Christmas present this afternoon, though.

I was given a miniature Derek Jacobi by my husband, which, when I remove him from the packaging, I shall have lots of fun with, draping a tissue over his shoulders and making him stutter a la 'I Clavdivs'. (In case you're baffled, it's really a Doctor Who action figure of the Master. Although, actually, I'm not sure that would help make sense of this last paragraph. Maybe the fever hasn't gone yet...)

On focusing on the little picture.

2008-12-15T20:40:00.003Z

Speaking of perspective, one thing I'm not terribly exercised about this festive season is small, sticky, and often colourful. Stamps. I don't actually send a lot of Christmas cards through the post nowadays anyway, but when I do, I'm quite happy with the Queen's head as a decoration.

However, the Royal Mail produce a number of different designs, primarily for the collectors market, really, but a lot of people like to get the little picture stamps released at Christmas especially for sending Christmas cards. That's nice. It's a cosy, harmless, quaint part of being in the UK, and I don't mind it a bit.

What I do get a little weary of, though, is the kerfuffle created when the designs on the stamps aren't sufficiently 'Christian' enough. As I understand it, the design policy at the Royal Mail is to alternate between secular festive designs one year, and religious themed the next.

This year's new designs are centred around that peculiar English tradition of the Pantomime, with Ugly Sisters and Genies and so on, so it's a 'secular' year. Next year someone will no doubt have a paddy because Mary has been painted blue, which was a fuss a couple of years back.

Anyway, take a step back from that for a second. I'm getting chain letters passed to me, claiming with alarm that stamps are becoming less Christian. Stamps. Becoming less Christian. Little sticky squares with the sole purpose of proving that you've paid for postage are about as Christian as the biro you used to write inside the card. I really don't mind at all if the the biro has 'Praise the Lord' in flaky gold lettering down the side, it's just a pen. Stamps are really, truly just stamps.

Many things presage the passing of the Christian era. I find myself unable to believe that whether or not a secular company produces religious-themed stationery every other year is among them.

On using our 'Christian voice'

2008-12-12T08:53:00.004Z

I'm not a fan of Stephen Green. Occasionally, I will agree with a point he makes, but my heart always sinks into my shoes when I hear a radio or telly presenter announce his name as a spokesman for traditional Christianity. I'm quite sure he means well, but I find myself thinking - why can't we have an eloquent English version of RC Sproul, or Al Mohler, or John MacArthur, or James White? Because Stephen Green always makes the Christian case remarkably badly.

Most usually, he makes headlines for screaming 'blasphemy', when worldlings come along with silly nonsense like this. Do I think it's blasphemy? Of course I do. But it's been done to death as an idea, and in bigger and more influential venues than a room at the Welsh Assembly. Mr Green has publicized the blasphemy, so that it's actually been repeated on national media, and the entire purpose appears to be because he's offended.

Unlike John MacArthur, for example, Green rarely takes the opportunity to give a clear gospel, even though he is actually given quite a bit of airtime. He gets mileage as the odd-bod who producers can bring on to provide a 'talking point', but it's never because he's preached the gospel, it's because he's perpetually 'offended'. I don't mind that people think he's a freak, and I'm sure he doesn't, but the reason they do is because they think he's a self-important reactionary, not because he is preaching the gospel fearlessly.

I am the last person to suggest we should be silent in the face of secular blasphemies and anti-Christian flummery. But our purpose in speaking should always be to advance the cause of the gospel, not to prevent lost people who have no respect for the things of God anyway offending us. Lord, please bless Mr Green with some perspective.

Excuse my absence.

2008-12-01T19:14:00.005Z

Not got a lot to give you right now, but in lieu of an actual post, I wonder if you could spare prayers for the people of Mumbai, and especially this little boy. My son is only a couple of months younger than him, and the thought of him being left an orphan breaks my heart.

on things which I am contrary about.

2008-11-14T08:47:00.004Z

I really, really don't like The Beatles. My husband put a Beatles tape on in the car on my birthday, and it was like being stuck in elevator-music purgatory. Paul McCartney's cheeky, chirpy little voice just grates against my ear drums. I can just about bear some of the up-tempo numbers, but I've never wanted to go to an octopus's garden, and I've even less desire to hear Ringo droning on about it.

Ringo Starr needs to be reading stories about Thomas the Tank Engine, which I do enjoy. The Beatles back-catalogue can stay in room 101 as far as I'm concerned. I know, you're all shocked.

I also actually prefer the BBC productions of the Narnia books. I've seen the new films on ginormous screens, in full surround sound, and it's an exhilarating experience. I look forward to eventually seeing all seven books on the big screen.

But, I think the BBC films work harder to stay close to the plot line of the books, and more true to the characters CS Lewis presented. Edmund in the films is understandably seduced into betraying his brother and sisters, and you quite like him. In the telly production, he's a spiteful wotsit, who has his ego stroked by the White Witch and then doesn't want to go back into Narnia because his guilty conscience is pricking him. You see the wrestling he has with his conscience on the way to the castle of the Witch, and that he chooses to go with his sin.

I was quite ticked off by the portrayal of Peter in the recent Prince Caspian film. He's one of my favourite characters, and the plot changes they made did rather turn him into a petulant, arrogant fool. I understand why they did it, in terms of the length of the story for film, and the seeds in the original story (Peter leading them wrongly and ignoring Lucy having seen Aslan), but I think the extent to which they did it distorted the character of Peter. All very contemporary and all that, but like Faramir in another well-known adaptation, film-makers seem reluctant to give us men who are genuinely heroic and admirable.

I know the special effects are ropey, but I actually prefer the car-seat cover Aslan to the computer generated one, because the children can actually touch him, and I don't have a little thing in the back of my mind reminding me that they are just stroking air. There's an element of radio-play/stage-play to the telly episodes, which still requires you to use your imagination - the films have computer-generated everything, and it sometimes makes it so much less magical.

I'm sure there's some nostalgia mixed in with it, but that's why it works, because of the nostaliga I have for the books, too. I suppose I should just be grateful they didn't give the big screen movies a contemporary setting.

On who I am, and a dip into the archives.

2008-11-09T19:52:00.004Z

I'm in a funny old place right now. An uncomfortable mix of grief, joy, sadness, anger, and general befuddlement. Lots of painful real life problems - some you know of, some I'm not at liberty to share, all really quite difficult and unpleasant. A friend of mine made a comment at her place that she is in the process of re-evaluating some things, in the wake of recent events. It made me smile, actually, because I thought some time ago that this particular sea change would come to her, and so it has.

I feel like there's a certain amount of change for me, too. I've thought of quitting the blog very recently, because I don't post as often as I used to, and life is very different to what it used to be. I'm no longer disabled, something I am very thankful for, but it means that I certainly don't get as much time to sit and blog!

In some senses, I feel as though I have compromised too much, and not been as faithful as I should have been in using my voice for God. Being depressed has sometimes left me bowed to the approval of others, which never bodes well. I find myself almost apologizing for things which actually, I believe with all my heart, and staying silent when I should speak.

But recent events have underlined for me that my identity is in Christ alone and His gospel of grace alone, through faith alone, authoritatively defined by scripture alone, all for the glory of God. That has a great many consequential beliefs, but the heart remains constant. I can't compromise on those things and stand before the Lord with clean hands.

My friends know (I hope) that I will always be honest with them, even when it is a painful thing to do. I'm sure some of them know that from the pain of it alone, and sometimes wish I would just shut up. Well, know this - my cause is Christ alone. It has to be, because nothing else on this earth will make a blind bit of difference, even if it appears to do so in temporal terms.

I sometimes worry about what would be the best thing to leave at the top of my blog, if I were to die tonight, what would best sum up who I am. In thinking about that, I recalled this post, and thought it was a good way to tie up all the recent upheaval and controversy with the most important message of all.

Thinking about infinitely better things

2008-11-09T13:43:00.003Z

Went to church this morning, and it was my turn to stay in. There was a marvellous, Christ-saturated sermon, and these hymns.

Glorious things of thee are spoken,
Zion, city of our God!
He, whose Word cannot be broken,
Formed thee for His own abode.
On the Rock of Ages founded,
What can shake thy sure repose?
With salvation’s walls surrounded,
Thou may’st smile at all thy foes.

See! the streams of living waters,
Springing from eternal love;
Well supply thy sons and daughters,
And all fear of want remove:
Who can faint while such a river
Ever flows their thirst t’assuage?
Grace, which like the Lord, the Giver,
Never fails from age to age.

Round each habitation hovering,
See the cloud and fire appear!
For a glory and a cov’ring
Showing that the Lord is near.
He Who gives them daily manna,
He Who listens when they cry;
Let Him hear the loud hosanna
Rising to His throne on high.

Savior, if of Zion’s city,
I through grace a member am,
Let the world deride or pity,
I will glory in Thy Name.
Fading is the worldling’s pleasure,
All his boasted pomp and show;
Solid joys and lasting treasure
None but Zion’s children know.

I am waiting for the dawning of the bright and blessed day,
When the darksome night of sorrow shall have vanished far away,
When forever with the Saviour, far beyond this vale of tears
I shall swell the song of worship through the everlasting years.

I am looking at the brightness - see it shineth from afar,
of the clear and joyous beaming, of the Bright and Morning Star;
Through the dark grey mist of morning do I see its glorious light;
Then away with every shadow of this sad and weary night,

I am waiting for the coming of the Lord who died for me;
Oh, His words have thrilled my spirit: I will come again for thee.
I can almost hear his feet at the threshold of the door;
And my heart is beating faster now; as I know I shall be with him forevermore!

I do love my church. By the way, do click on the link to my church in my sidebar, as they now upload the sermons, and I'm confident they will be a blessing to you if you have some time free to listen.

By way of catharsis

2008-11-08T23:10:00.004Z

This is something which has been bothering me for weeks now, and in the midst of lots of other things, I find myself needing to blog, in a way I haven't felt for a long time. When I first started blogging, it was partly about having somewhere to write down the things I turned over endlessly in my mind, so that hopefully, my mind could leave them be for a while. So here goes.

If you believe that abortion is a woman's choice, and that it should not be made illegal, you are pro-choice. You likely hold the label with pride. I think you're dead wrong, but I'm happy for you to label yourself like that for the sake of clarity in discussion. I think it's kind of ironic given how many times I hear women about to have abortions say 'I haven't really got any choice', but that's neither here nor there.

If you 'personally disagree' with abortion, but you still feel that it is a woman's choice, and should not be made illegal, you are pro-choice. It is disingenuous to redefine the label 'Pro-life' to include the global reduction of poverty, wider access to health care, extreme pacifism, and whatever other idea you have which you think will make some human lives better.

Firstly because you have your little positive-spin label. 'Choice' is your big selling point, and you're welcome to it. For those that know that making the killing of the unborn illegal would stop the vast majority of it, our main plus point is Life. None of us pretend that it would stop poverty, murder, illness, war, or any of the other things which human beings suffer from - but it would mean that literally millions of lives would be saved. We claim the label Life, and we do so with millions of good reasons.

But secondly, and this is the thing that is really bugging me today. When you who are effectively pro-choice, even though you seem unwilling to own the label, redefine pro-life so that you may still support abortion (oh, for others, of course) you are suggesting that those of us who still maintain a definition of 'pro-life' that means something, do not want an end to those other things.

You are suggesting that those who work to end the legal madness that allows a mother to have her child killed, essentially for any reason, do not care about poverty, or war, or any of the other things you cram under the now pointlessly loose 'Life' term, and do nothing about those things, while you, in your largesse, in your magnanimity, you care about all those things.

One of the things that occurred to me in these days after the US election, is how many people appear to believe that we cannot legislate to end abortion - oh, but we can legislate to end poverty, war, hey, even illness, now that embryonic stem cell research is likely going to be funded by US taxes. And those who hold the traditional 'pro-life' view are called unrealistic?

Addendum: Unrelated to this post, but I wanted to highlight it because it's one of the best things I've read post-election, this may help some of my readers who don't quite understand why there are Americans who aren't cartwheeling themselves into raptures over the result.

Grieving, but not as those without sure hope.

2008-11-06T09:07:00.002Z

Leslie Stokes

His lord said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.’

on a couple of things I'm not sure I'll ever understand.

2008-11-04T18:48:00.004Z

I don't think I'm ever going to get my head around the reasoning a Christian goes through to get to the conclusion that the killing of unborn children can be dangerous, so we should make it safer. That we should make it completely legal, and then do our very best to talk women out of it.

Or that we should lobby government to take our money and then give it to our neighbours. I missed that verse that says 'the government should love your neighbour for you'. I missed it so completely that I'm completely baffled by Christians thinking that it's more important to lobby government to do the things the church is called to do than it is to lobby government to do the things it is called to do (like, you know, enforce the Godly rules that killing children is wrong).

It does no good to tell me that you know someone who is poor and can't afford something, and that is why you are voting for someone who you think will do something for them. Why aren't you doing something for them?

God bless America. Lord have mercy.

Autumnal decluttering

2008-10-28T19:17:00.002Z

Look at that, eh? Nothing for ages, and then two posts in a day. Well, my connection is holding up quite well this evening, and I'm never comfortable with leaving political stuff at the very top of the blog.

It's been a busy few weeks here. We have a new kitchen floor, courtesy of my parents-in-law, who have given us their old laminate flooring. It looks very posh now, and is enormously warm now after the nasty thin lino. A good job too, given we had snow today. I'm in my element weather-wise. I love it when it's cold and sunny, chilly-enough-for-jumpers weather.

We've been utterly ruthless getting rid of clutter, too. I'm very much in a simplification sort of mood, and the space we've discovered hiding under mounds of rubbish we kept 'just in case' is very liberating. We got rid of a couple of religious pictures, too, one by accident because it broke, and one which was a rather ugly cheap version of The Last Supper (you know, the one in the Da Vinci Code that has 'Mary Magdalen AKA John' on roller-skates at one point...)

Both I wasn't the least bit sorry to see the back of, having been convinced for a long time that pictures of Jesus Christ are something of an enormous no-no. Wasn't always the case, as I skirted perilously close to the Roman Catholic church some years ago, and even had statues about the place. As it happens, the Thirsty Theologian has been posting helpful excerpts by J.I. Packer about images of God, which sets out a compelling case, and coincided with our pictures finding their way out of the house.

Home Secretary announces she's going to do her job, Whole country yawns.

2008-10-28T18:50:00.003Z

Honestly. Did she expect a hearty pat on the back for making a big bells and whistles announcement that she's going to put an end to foreign barking mad hate-mongers walking freely into the UK and setting up a stall calling for the murder of its citizens and allies?

Now, what's she going to do about the wotsits that are already here and have won legal battles for the right to stay and get board and lodging on my husband's taxes?

Let's face it, it's a bare-faced attempt to grab attention away from her boss, who everyday looks more and more like he's only half trying to stay awake. It's like he gets nudged every few hours and makes another ridiculous pronouncement about how the country needs to go even further into debt to stop the financial crisis. In fact, I'm actually beginning to wonder if he is actually making all of his decisions while sleepwalking, during a dream in which his pockets are full of an unending supply of freshly minted tenners...

Slightly patronizing tone ahead.. I couldn't help it...

2008-10-22T15:41:00.000Z

For this post, I'm going to adopt the patient, motherly face I use when I'm explaining something fairly straightforward to my children for the umpteenth time. That's because I, and an enormous number of others, most more eloquent than myself, have pointed out again and again that the cessationist position doesn't say that God does not heal today.

So posts like this one on Adrian Warnock's blog are pretty much like a non-Calvinist telling me that it is necessary to preach the gospel to all people. Well, yes. Nothing in my system of belief precludes that, and in fact, it's part and parcel of my beliefs.

Similarly, as a cessationist, I simply believe that the sign gifts have ceased to operate, because their purpose has ceased - I don't believe that God no longer heals people. It's making a pretty corn dolly with flowers in her hair to suggest that a cessationist 'doesn't believe in miracles' or 'doesn't believe in healing'.

I'm not sure why Adrian finds it difficult to understand that one can believe in a supernatural God who is still involved with His creation intimately, but believe that the time of personal authenticating sign gifts has long passed. This is not a labyrinthine doctrine.

Or maybe he thinks I'm a closet charismatic, because I pray for the healing of others with the full belief that God can (and certainly does) heal?

On not remembering what I probably should.

2008-10-13T20:08:00.005Z

Things are somewhat frustrating here, as our connection is mucking me about, and my online time is quite sporadic and slow. On top of the demands of four young children, Home-Ed (he's such a high-maintenance fellow, that Ed), housekeeping and all that, it's most perturbing. I've recently committed to helping out with the leadership of an online bible study group, too, and a dicky internet hasn't helped my confidence. I keep anticipating the e-mail telling me I'm totally rubbish, and they want me to step down.

Which is nonsense, but got me musing that I'm often so insecure about this sort of thing. In person, I'm awkwardly garrulous, and often feel like I'm in danger of tripping over my mouth in places where I don't know people very well and I'm utterly rubbish at remembering names.

There are people, in this place that I am now a very small part of leading, who are unfailingly thoughtful, and always recall events in peoples lives which need prayer for, and I'm totally bobbins at that. Not that I don't care, or pray for them - I do, I just need it on a list, in front of me, because I just don't hold that kind of information well. I've often heard it said about mums that they have an inbuilt ability to recall significant dates. Not this mum.

In fact, the only reason I remember my own birthday is that the day and the month are the same number. No word of a lie, I forgot it one year. My children have birthdays that are all a combination of the numbers 1, 2 and 7, but I descend into a blind panic if I have to give them to anyone without having them written out in front of me.

My husband, on the other hand, has an encyclopedic memory for names, relations, dates and half-time football scores from 15 years ago (that's proper football, remember, not the silly stuff where you have to dress up like a giant fridge to play it). I would be quite adrift without him, in more ways than one.

No particular reason to share that, I'm just blogging for the sake of it today, because I haven't in a while, and Frank Turk doesn't read this blog so he can't be snooty about it.

On unbiased reporting.

2008-10-03T11:09:00.002Z

The BBC are doing their bit to encourage religious freedom again. Notice how the Christians are introduced as having converted because of perceived benefits to them, and the whole issue is framed in those terms.

Notice too how the identity of the killers of the Hindu leader is said to be 'unclear'. It's not unclear at all, a Maoist group has owned up - but of course, that tricky fact gets in the way of the chance to obliquely suggest the Christians did it.

The author points out that Christians say no-one is converted against their will - but of course, that's from the Christians, and we're already unsure about whether they committed murder...

There's even an exclamation mark included to highlight the fact that those naughty Christians haven't all followed the law about registering conversions.

Even the amount of Christian converts is cause for suspicion - particularly as poverty is still a problem. Now, you and I know that Christians don't become Christians to become rich (Sorry, Creflo, but no...) but the BBC clearly have no real desire to actually dig that 'deeply'. A broad and inaccurate brush suits them fine.

Note this: At the same time, Christian zealots have sometimes operated with impunity: a state pastors gathering in November 1996 openly made a call to "win Orissa for Christ by 2000".

Can you believe that? Those dangerous zealots, acting with impunity in believing their religion and wanting to tell others about it! How dare they!

There is a reluctant concession that the state really shouldn't be involved in people's choices about their eternal soul, couched in more laments about people converting because of 'benefits', but this is dismissed after a bit of pontificating with the statement 'whatever the reason' - because why would we be concerned with that, eh?

Even the fact that a pastor has been given a bullet-proof vest is mentioned in the context of some beleaguered Christians asking for guns to protect themselves - no word of why they would want to do that. The Hindu leader quoted doesn't want religious interests to hijack the 'tribal agenda', though the article doesn't elaborate on what that might be.

The final paragraph comprises the BBC's most ominous pronouncement - Kandhamal, clearly, needs a respite from proselytizers of all kinds to return to normalcy and calm. After which, the people and authorities can begin sorting out the real issues.

Christians, already painted as the villainous interlopers of the piece, are being warned here to stop this evangelism business. If only they would stop that, then there would be peace. Then the problems of the area could be sorted out.

It's a vile little article, steeped in prejudiced secularism, but sadly no more than I expect nowadays.

Random thought of the day.

2008-10-01T14:18:00.002Z

It has often occured to me, when my brain feels a bit like porridge, that I would enjoy engaging Frank Turk on his debate blog. The only trouble is, I never ever seem to disagree with him, which would make for rather a dull exchange.

Frank: Incisive and clever statement full of wit and useful metaphor.

Libbie: Yes, you're right.

Frank: Oh.

Libbie: Cheers, bye then.

on the 'why' of holiness.

2008-09-23T13:09:00.004Z

I heard some people talking about the 'aftermath' of the Lakeland cobblers yesterday, and it highlighted something I found quite helpful for my own pursuit of holiness. The people talking where neck-deep in the whole 'Outpouring' idea, and where quite clearly engaging in some 'damage-limitation', and given how it all turned out, I can understand why.

But they were also 100% convinced that 'signs, miracles and wonders' were absolutely necessary for the work of the gospel to happen. I can only presume this is because they've understood that the Holy Spirit is the one who moves hearts in revival, but they only understand the work of the Holy Spirit to be in the spectacular (which I blogged about when this all started).

(By the way, if you're interested in what the work of the Holy Spirit actually is, you'll be greatly blessed by visiting Ann's blog in my sidebar, as she's been posting excerpts and thoughts on it in the past couple of weeks)

Now, bearing in mind that the assumption that under girds the whole theology and methodology of these people is that miracles and wonders are essential to, and for some, more important than the preaching of the gospel, they clearly find themselves with a problem.

For a start the miracles and wonders are, um, somewhat thin on the ground. People dragged out of their wheelchairs for a few minutes do not a healing miracle of biblical proportions make. But, most obviously for these confused folk, the man credited as the 'revivalist' turned out to be a big liar on multiple levels. What I find so interesting is that they think, although he was lying to the woman he vowed to be faithful to for the rest of his life, everything else he said was spot-on true.

I don't think that's something you can tolerate in a politician, never mind a preacher who claims to be visiting heaven.

Of course, the secret sin of Mr Bentley was what meant Lakeland finally jumped the aquatic creature with sharp teeth. But was that the actual basic problem? Well, these people yesterday seemed to think so. They waxed eloquent about Lakeland being a wake-up call for the church to pursue holiness. I actually agreed with them on this point.

But what I found personally challenging was the 'holiness' was coming across very much as the tool needed for the 'signs, miracles and wonders' to come. Lakeland failed, and they believed it failed simply because the leader was caught in gross sin. So, the answer was for everyone to get fired up about being holier, and that would put everything to rights. 'It's all about character', they announced. They'll be better, and then God will be able to move.

Why are we called to holiness in scripture? Does the scripture say 'Be holy, for then you will see miracles and exciting things'? Does it say 'Be holy, for then you will be properly religious'?

Be holy, for I am holy. (1 Pt 1:16)

The calling to be holy is not a work to perform so that we may get something back again. For these people, it seems they have exchanged the frantic desire to see the spectacular for the new work of trying to be holier so that they may see the spectacular. It's just another treadmill, and it misses the rather important point that the reason holiness has been overlooked, was because the word of God(the 'Doctrine', oo, what a scary thing!) has been put such a long way down the priority list, and that's a much bigger problem to sort out.

But I don't crow, because I know that all too often, my own desire for holiness is driven by a need to perform and 'be good enough'. Not so that God will send miracles, maybe, but so that I can be sure that He looks at me and is pleased. That sort of thing is what Thomas Brooks called 'a cleaner way to hell'.

So, I am challenged to start afresh each day, desiring and running in holiness, not to be good enough, but because He is holy, and He calls me to be. It's not 'all about character'. It's all about the finished work of Christ, both the walking in it, and the faithful preaching of it, without bells and whistles. This is really not complicated stuff, you know.

On women in authority

2008-09-19T13:56:00.004Z

No, not That woman.

I've just been watching a debate on whether women are called to authority in the church, and two things leaped out at me that haven't occurred to me before. The female Baptist minister (no rosette for guessing which side of the debate she was on) made two assertions. Firstly, she said that the biblical injunctions specifically against women teaching, and the fact that Jesus did not have male disciples, were primarily because of the culture of the time.

Now, the most obvious objection to that is to ask if Jesus strikes anyone as bound by the traditions of human beings? If He had intended women to have a role of authority in the church, there's not the slightest chance that He would have been bound by the need not to offend. The idea is preposterous.

But her second point, which I've also heard before, does something rather fatal to the first point. She made much of the scriptural evidence for women in authority. Now, she did this by the common method of listing all the women named in the New Testament, which always bugs me, because no complementarian has ever claimed that there weren't women in the early church, nor that women play no role. She then said that women held the same authority in the church as men until the council of Laodicea. My church history is sketchy at this point, perhaps someone who knows more than I do on that point could enlighten me in the comments (but it sure doesn't sound accurate to me...)

But hold on, I thought. If the clear passages that forbid women to teach, and define the authority in the church as a male role, are because of the early church being bound by cultural mores - how come there were women in leadership authority anyway? It seems to me that egalitarians need to pick one of these arguments and stick to it...

on being salt.

2008-09-17T20:10:00.004Z

This won't be a surprise to you, but I am not an American. So, I wouldn't be voting for Sarah Palin, even if I wanted to (and I'm not sure I do, given that voting for her means voting for McCain, and he seems rather a slippery fish to me).

But, that said, I do have some interest in the matter, not least because of the reception she has received from the UK media and websites over here. You probably won't be surprised to learn that many of the secular parenting sites I visit have mostly had kittens because of one significant issue - babies!

Well, they don't don't put it like that. In fact, they put it in terms I find myself unable to repeat in polite society. But the fact that a woman is standing up and saying, "Actually, no, I don't think a woman has a inalienable right to 'choose'", makes their little heads spin round like tops.

Because people like me, well, I'm just type on a screen, and my anti-abortion position is probably because in real life I must be an old man who just wants to control women etc. But Sarah Palin - she's all modern and real and on telly, and she still doesn't think women have the right to choose! That's... that's not in the pre-programmed rulebook! Does not compute! Does not compute!

I try not to get too into these issues, because it's something of a dead issue in the UK, in comparison with the US, and there's no real point getting myself all riled up about it when I can't do any more than I'm doing now. But I have been reading exchanges between those who hold the 'pro-choice' position and those who do not, and some things have occurred to me.

The first is that I'm really ticked off that the word 'liberal' is applied to those who confine certain rights to only one section of society. It is not liberal to wish to deny unborn children and still-living victims of abortion the right to life. It is not liberal to deny one parent the right to protect their child because the other parent wants to kill them. In no sense is it liberal to say that women are the only section of society that have to right to decide about the life or death of their pre-born child because of a simple matter of geography.

The other is that, despite the fact that I am not a dominionist in the least, and in many senses pull back from being too involved in politics lest I lose sight of the fact that the gospel is the hope for this world, not moral reform, I think Christians perform a vital purpose in speaking out about this sort of issue. I have heard far, far too many people espousing views that are unthinkingly parroted without thought for the consequences until they are challenged.

It is considered the worst thing ever to be 'unwanted' - worse than being mutilated and killed. When life begins is considered an arbitrary matter, as is who is worthy of making it out of the womb alive. These are things that many people absorb as the 'things-everyone-knows' of our culture, and are never challenged on it. It is part of our job, as Christians, to be salt and light, and bring truth.

Because, if there was no-one standing for the unchangeable standard of God in the abortion issue, and many others, I dare to suggest that our culture would be even worse than it currently is. Not that God's providence is in any way dependent upon us - but that He has placed us here to at as a preservative in a sin-sick world.

While I dare to hope that we may see a shift in the attitudes towards the weakest in our society, I know that the point of standing against injustice is not so that men will put injustice to an end, but so that they will see the only hope for that end is Christ.

We don't need no 'education'.

2008-09-17T10:54:00.002Z

One of the children's programmes I grew up watching was Grange Hill. It was a drama set in a comprehensive school, and always very controversial, tackling subjects like drug-use and bullying. I think a lot of children liked it because it did reflect our lives at the time.

It's just been cancelled after a good few decades and I decided to watch the last episode for nostalgia's sake. My initial thoughts were that I could see why it was cancelled. It was so dull and contrived. But my main reason for watching was the (even more contrived) return of a character I remembered - Tucker Jenkins. He was a 'loveable rogue' character, someone everyone recalls with a certain fondness.

I decided to blog about it because the writer put a speech worthy of a leftist politician in his mouth. He began by lamenting that he was only a builder now, and that he should have stayed on to get more qualifications. Well, for a start, thinks I, what's wrong with being a builder, then?

In true sock-puppet fashion, he began to tell his 'nephew' that 30 years ago, the idea of comprehensives was new, and that before then, you had grammar schools and secondary moderns. According to Tucker, 'grammar schools were where the swotty kids went'. Oh yes, nothing like a bit of scorn for intelligence.

He then said that secondary moderns were for everyone else, and 'they told you you wouldn't amount to anything'. Call me overly naive, but I'm pretty certain there wasn't an induction class in secondary moderns on how you were rubbish if you were a pupil there.

But it was ok, you see, because lo, the comprehensive age dawned, in which those 'swotty kids' were put in the same school as everyone else, and they all shared a mediocre education together. Well, that's not the way Tucker put it. He waxed lyrical about every year being a clean sheet of paper for you to start again and do whatever you really wanted.

I passed my 11+ and got a place in a grammar school, which I attended until we moved to an area without them. Then I attended a comprehensive, and Tucker's scorn for 'swotty kids' reminded me with searing clarity of the bullying I endured for being bright. I learned not to excel because it was more important to fit in.

The double-mindedness of thinking that one can pull down intelligence and simultaneous create a society of high-acheivement is quite astonishing. It's like, in the eagerness to give prizes to everyone, they miss the point that prizes should be for doing something. Is it any wonder that modern culture is saturated with a sense of entitlement?

So, goodbye Grange Hill, and good riddance. It's just a shame we can't consign the attitudes you embodied to the circular file, too.

Practical teaching.

2008-09-09T21:03:00.003Z

I'm sitting here, munching on a duck and plum sauce spring roll that my husband bought me when he went out for petrol. He knows my late-night snack needs well. Which is a good thing, given that we've been married 8 years and one week today. For our actual anniversary, we had a day with our children, which was lovely, but the day before, we had a treat - a visit to the best Christian bookshop for miles without small children (and therefore a buggy to push around narrow aisles.)

We bought a few books, as a present for ourselves, and I got The Mortification of Sin by John Owen. I've never read any Owen before, and to be honest, I was intimidated by his formidable reputation. But I have been unable to put it down, and have even re-read chapters before I've got to the end of the book. I thought it would be really heavy-going, but it's some of the clearest, most helpful teaching I've ever read.

I don't think I've ever felt so optimistic about engaging in the work of bashing the sin in my life soundly on the head. I don't mean to sound flippant, because actually, I've come across a depth of spiritual engagement that at one time I wouldn't have believed possible. It's underlined to me how incredibly superficial much of the teaching I've sat under in my Christian life has been.

This is not to be smug and self-satisfied - it's more a lament for the strangely messed up way of teaching new Christians I've experienced, and therefore I assume many others have experienced too. I knew about tongues and prophecy earlier and more thoroughly than I've ever learned about personal holiness.

Isn't it ironic that we hear Christians lambasting 'religion' and extolling relationship, and yet the way many new believers are taught is not focused on the Holy love of God which enables us to fight indwelling sin; instead, they are offered a sound introduction to christianese.

I look at modern church outreaches twisting themselves into pretzels to be 'relevant' by having series on marriage, or 'happiness' blah blah blah, and it drives me batty, because seriously, I don't need a pep-talk on a better marriage - I need to know how I deal with my besetting sins, because trust me, my marriage would be a whole lot better if I could do that.

Not that it's a bad marriage you understand (duck and plum sauce rolls, remember) but, like anything else in my life: my parenting, my friendships, my housework, my writing - it's secondary to, and in large measure dependent upon the quality of my Christian walk. I've winked at sins for so long that I needed to be stamping on, and in some senses it's because I never actually learned that I could be stamping on them.

Don't tell me 'How to have a great marriage' - tell me 'How to put off the old man of sin, and put on Christ'. That's practical.

Spoilerific review of Hamlet

2008-08-16T16:58:00.004Z

Last night, I had the very great pleasure of watching Gregory Doran's production of Hamlet. I went to see it because of two of the actors playing the main roles - the astonishingly talented Patrick Stewart, and the mercurial David Tennant, and I wasn't remotely disappointed.

We had seats in the gallery, about as far away from the stage as possible, but that's not really saying much, it wasn't a huge theatre. The set was a very pared down space, backed by some revolving mirrors which were used to great effect, either closed, half open, or spun round to reveal some minimalist suggestion of set-dressing.

Ingenious use of lighting illustrated the change from exterior to interior, with chandeliers being lowered for the interiors, and clever use of flashlights bouncing off the highly polished stage floor to create a chillingly eerie atmosphere in the initial scenes with the ghost of old Hamlet.

My husband and Eden were in attendance with me, and Ant mentioned how he is always surprised by how much he understands when he sees Shakespeare performed, last night being no exception. He knew nothing of the play except a potted summary I gave him a few weeks ago. Eden was better prepared, having read some of the play with me, and seen some edited highlights of Branagh's screen version.

The performances ranged from the solid to the stellar, and I'm not sure whether to begin with Tennant's Hamlet, or Stewart's Claudius. Instead, I think I'll bypass them both for now and mention Oliver Ford James as Polonius, in a beautifully realized portrayal of an absent-minded old gentleman, making the text spring to life and sound, not so much like 'Shakespeare' as it was like listening in on a real old man, meandering off on his own ponderings. He was hilarious, and I genuinely felt rather sad when he was dispatched (by Hamlet, in the bedroom, with a revolver).

Oh, go on then, can't really hold back from mentioning Tennant now. Absolutely superb. His command of the language is remarkable, and he is clearly a very intelligent man, wringing all possible wit from the text, including one particular ribald pun that produced audible gasps from some of the more delicate members of the audience. Thankfully, it flew over the head of my seven year old!

Being able to make the dense language of Hamlet, some of which is so over-familiar to us, most of which is almost another tongue, sound as though it is contemporary English is quite a rare gift in my experience, but Tennant manages it. We laughed a lot - his skill with comedy was delightful, particularly the scenes in which he is hiding the body of Polonius, and in fairness, it was the only point in the play where I remembered I was watching the Doctor, but that was a lot to do with the running, I suppose.

He did an amusing impression of Patrick Stewart at one point, and it produced one of those lovely moments in live theatre, catching Stewart himself in a good-humoured smile, and eliciting that sense of a cast comfortable enough with the material now to allow themselves to go with an impromptu atmosphere.

Stewart was a powerful presence, that voice holding the attention whenever he was onstage. His wrestlings with his conscience, just before Hamlet nearly takes the opportunity to kill him, were spell-binding. Despite his natural aura of authority, he managed to convince as a man who really could only achieve greatness by schemes and murder - it's clear that the support of Gertrude is very necessary to him, even in the simple day to day niceties of remembering names.

As the action moved to conclusion, I was thoroughly drawn in, and it's always a good sign when, knowing the ending, you rather hope it plays out differently because you've been so beguiled by the characters. Gertrude and Hamlet had played out the scene in her bedroom with fiery and somewhat alarming intensity, but had managed to convincingly turn it to gentle, weary reconciliation by the end, so that there was actually a laugh drawn from Tennant's domestic delivery of "'Night mother" as he drags the dead body of Polonius away.

From the burial of Ophelia on, I confess I was near tears by the powerful performances, and as the fight scene opened, I was really quite put out that most of the principals would be dead by the end of the play. The fight was breath-takingly good, the energy of it crackling from the stage, furniture thrown about, bodies and weaponry clashing at full tilt.

I was tremendously disappointed in myself when, as Hamlet lay dying, even as I cried from the emotional force of it, I had to squish the little voice in the back of my head that was expecting a regeneration. I did manage to not make any squeeing noises throughout the performance, although I allowed one to slip out at the curtain call. Once a fangirl, always a fangirl, I'm afraid.

Eden's appraisal was that she enjoyed it, especially the costumes, and that she thought the interval came at a very good place, because 'if you've never seen the play, you wouldn't know what was going to happen next'. (It comes as Hamlet is about to kill Claudius as he prays).

In conclusion, it was a stunning production, pulling every last drop of humour, pathos and power from the text, and I'm so, so pleased that I was able to see it. As an addendum, I must give an enormous vote of thanks to my friend Sandra, who gave up her ticket to Eden as we were unable to find another babysitter. I plan on finding some way of making it up to her, because I seriously owe her now!

Battling on...

2008-08-14T16:15:00.003Z

There are definitely times I have to remind myself that sanctification is a process. For a start, it makes it easier to get along with every other believer if I remember that they're a work in progress like me.

The other reason I need to call it to mind is because I still struggle with the same frustratingly unpleasant sins as I did before I was a believer. Sometimes, the only difference is that I just don't enjoy those sins now.

Before, I'd lose my temper, and I'd take a certain pride in my ability to verbally roast my victim until they melted in front of me. I don't take pride in it now, but I still sometimes do it.

I suppose the comfort comes from the fact that I don't do it nearly as much, I pray a lot more about my temper, and have the Holy Spirit's help to speak with kindness instead of bile. But still. It's there and it hasn't gone away.

It's not just my gob, either. My mental sins are the ones which trouble me the most. I hear fantastic testimonies of people who were converted out of a homosexual life, and everything in the garden became unfailingly rosy. Henceforth, they only had eyes for the opposite sex, and very soon after that, they only had eyes for their spouse.

I wish it was that easy. But I rather think that it's no different to any other thought-sin. Sure, there are some people for whom thoughts of a sexual nature are not an issue. But I don't imagine there are too many people who seriously believe that you can get married and never again be tempted by thoughts of an illicit nature.

I've just listened to a rather good sermon by John MacArthur on keeping a pure mind, and I certainly recommend it to you. He pointed out all the things that we wrestle with mentally - memory in particular stood out to me.

I'm just cottoning on to the fact that there are particular times when I'm more vulnerable - when I'm tired, perhaps in the groggy moments in the morning in between dreams and being awake, and pretty much any time I haven't been actively pursuing things which uplift my mind.

Being a fallen human being, even the most seemingly innocent things can set off a train of thought, but generally speaking, if I fill my head with worldly gubbins, I'm just not going to be in a fit state to battle unwholesome thoughts.

But you know what, just for the record, in case you are under any illusions, being sanctified is hard work, and I really do think sometimes that I would prefer it if I had been converted and then hermetically sealed until it was all over. But then, obviously, if I had been hermetically sealed upon conversion, it would be all over...

None so blind...

2008-08-04T20:22:00.003Z

I caught the last few minutes of a programme presented by Richard Dawkins this evening. It's a three-part celebration of Darwin, and the theory of evolution. I had a little chuckle to myself, as the evangelical atheist attempted to explain, in breathless tones, the wondrous properties of DNA to some school children.

I know his intended aim was to make them all overcome with excitement about evolution, but I sat there, listening to him detailing the marvellous, mathematical properties of DNA, and how we may 'read' it, like we would read the instructions of a computer, and know what meant what, and was quite astonished at his blindness.

How one would look at an incredible set of biological 'instructions' and not see that there must be some sort of fearsome intelligence behind them is one thing. But that one would explain these fantastical things to children and expect them to suddenly come to the conclusion that it all happened quite by accident - this is surely the product of entrenched dogma far more close-minded than anything mainstream religion teaches.

To quote DJP, the ever watchful guardian of my grammar and spelling - "Isn't evolution wonderful?"

You might be interested to know that a number of the children said that, while they found his talk very interesting, they were still firmly convinced there was a God.

;-D

Out of the Vortex.

2008-08-01T12:28:00.003Z

My Helmic Regulator has been somewhat askew these past couple of months. Wider family issues, coupled with ill-health of body and mind, have all contributed to me being somewhat all over the place.

However, today, for the first time, I am feeling the benefit of the measures that have been taken about my anaemia, and actually have energy and appetite. It's like the difference between sleep-walking and being wide awake - quite shocking in its own way, really.

I'm beginning to realize the distinction between things which I must endure and things which I have no obligation to suffer. I'm not sure if that's a result of feeling better, and thus seeing more clearly, or whether it's seeing that which has helped to lift my mood.

Either way, it's a good and positive thing. I'm called to be salt and light among those around me - I am not called to be squished underfoot until I have nothing left to savour.

I think sometimes it's rather to easy to give out and out and out, until we literally 'give out' ourselves! I've realized that I am not taking the necessary care of my own needs. I think of the Lord Jesus, withdrawing quietly to pray. Yes, He was often interrupted, but He didn't just give up on the idea.

And even as I write that, I'm battling this odd internal feeling of guilt - just looking at that selfish phrase written out 'my own needs'. Nonsense, say I! I'm not talking about indulging my self. I'm talking about making sure that I spend time ensuring my faith is a priority, because Christ is the ground from which I have to build anything worthwhile anyway, and putting boundaries in place so that I don't go mad trying to meet needs I have no business trying to deal with.

I hope that makes sense to someone!

It's not really on, you know. Sorry, but it's not.

2008-07-19T20:50:00.004Z

You know, I'm as concerned and saddened by the things that are going on in the Anglican communion as anyone. I was first baptized in a Church of England church, and I still have a lot of affection for it. More than that, I know believers who are standing for the gospel in the midst of it, dismayed at the way things are turning out.

But this isn't valid critique, it's just mean-spirited. The parish system of the established church means that yes, it is exceedingly difficult to maintain clear boundaries between official ministry and family life, and of all the things that could be criticized, the particular difficulties of being the family of a clergyman are not really fair game.

I know quite a few vicar's spouses, and they struggle in some difficult circumstances to raise their families and be a good witness. It serves no godly purpose at all, when those particular difficulties are revealed, to make pious noises about 'nailprints in the hands'.

I, for one, am very glad to give a very public vote of thanks to my dear fellow believers who support their spouses in ministry, at a considerable cost to their family life. It's a sacrifice that should be acknowledged as such.

2008-07-18T13:11:00.002Z

So, um, depression. It's not good for the productivity, really. I've also recently been diagnosed with severe anaemia, which has been a fun added complication. Still alive, still here but, you know, not so good.